I want to get drunk and have random sex.
“I want to get drunk and have random sex."
Those are the exact words I typed into a message to one of my best friends at the beginning of last week.
“Ok, let’s talk asap,” she quickly messaged back.
She knew that this was an SOS call.
I needed support, stat.
It wasn’t that I had actually gotten drunk and slept with someone other than my partner… it was that I wanted to.
I had a strong desire to numb out, to absolve responsibility, to disappear into another person and the excitement of an adventure, even momentarily.
This caught me off guard - given all of the work I’ve done and given absolutely wonderful my life in so many ways now.
Why on earth would I want to self-sabotage?
It was a reminder, as my other best friend and spiritual advisor gently reminded me, that there is more work to do.
A reminder to pay attention, and to notice the painful feeling or fear that I was trying to hide from.
“Honey,” she said, “You are on a rapid upswing. You are stepping into your divine calling more fully than ever before. You recently led hundreds of women in profound breakthroughs and awakening. You held space for transformation and facilitated a life-changing experience. Then you came home... and are grappling with how to integrate the awareness of just how powerful you are.”
Truth is, expansion isn’t always easy.
In fact, after this last event I’m referring to, we spent a lot of time talking about “expansion hangovers” which often come up when we get home or come back to reality after an awakening.
I spent a lot of time in the past 2 weeks reflecting.
What was the fear and painful feeling I was trying to numb out?
I realized that my potential scares me because it means the potential for change.
The bigger stages I see myself on and the impact I want to have means that life at home will look different.
My own personal path of growth, transformation and impact aren’t in sync with my partner’s, and that brings up questions I don’t have the answers to… which is, of course, scary in and of itself.
I’ve also realized that my divine nature is to SHINE, to sparkle bright, that one of my gifts and reasons for being is to be that beacon of light that others are drawn to - because it helps give them permission to let their own light shine.
When I go away for work and step onto the stage, or when I facilitate group processes or work with clients one-on-one - I am fully in my nature. I am this version of myself.
Yet when I’m home - I often feel as though I need to dim the light - because it’s uncomfortable (and sometimes even threatening) to some of those closest to me.
This is painful.
The thought of disappointing my partner or letting him down by not being who he needs me to be is also painful.
Pain previously led to my running and numbing behaviors, which is why this desire seemed to come out of nowhere, so suddenly.
But of course it didn’t come out of nowhere, it comes from very real feelings simmering only slightly under the surface.
This is hard for me to write, I’ve gotta be real about that.
But it’s also my very real and loudest truth right now so much so that it would feel bizarre to share anything else.
I don’t have all the answers yet and this isn’t resolved.
What I do know is that this is an opportunity to do things differently.
I won’t get drunk.
I won’t have sex with a stranger.
I won’t disappear into my work or get so busy I don’t have time to think.
I won’t shut down.
I will stay present.
I will create space in my day for spiritual connection and reflection.
I will ask for support.
I will be honest about what is going on for me.
I will focus on my holistic health (mind, body, spirit)
I will continue to do the things that make my heart sing and spirit soar.
I will stay true to myself and my calling.
I will stay whole and integrated and allow myself to show up fully in all situations and occasions (because denying myself this wholeness is also incredibly painful and soul crushing)
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for being a part of this wild journey with me.
We’re doing it! This thing called life. It’s not always pretty and certainly not always perfect and yes, it can be pretty painful at times.
And, as another new friend and coach Gordana Jakopcevic (whom I met at Infinite Receiving in Texas) recently wrote:
“Pain is telling you what you need to heal and fix in your life.
When you are denying your pain, you are denying your purpose.”
I know that this pain is part of the process, and I refuse to numb or hide myself from it.
Knowing we’re in it together and that you’re here with me makes it so much easier- for that I have so much gratitude.
Xoxo
I’ve posted this before but it seems fitting to post it again (it’s obviously something we all need reminding of over and over again)
Marianne Williamson says:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us….
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
Is yours a story of tragedy or triumph?
We always have a choice as to how we tell our stories and how we let others re-tell them.
Sean Smith, founder of the Elite Coaching University and much sought after motivational speaker, was the first to take the stage at the event I spoke at a few weeks ago. To say that his presentation “up-levelled me” is an understatement.
While part of me wanted to freak out because his presentation was SO GOOD and the scared part of me couldn’t fathom how I could possibly follow him onstage, the other (bigger) part of me was so enthralled with the content of his presentation that I wasn’t able to get to distracted by the fear - the learning was too great!
One of the most impactful parts of his presentation was when he talked about the layers and lenses we all acquire through our lives. To demonstrate his point, he literally put on a layer of clothing and a pair of glasses every time he talked about an experience that had shaped his internal scripts and his worldview.
It was such a powerful demonstration of how we walk through our lives (and we all do it) with our respective layers and lenses and that without deep reflection and self-development work, many of us remain unaware of the layers and lenses.
It requires work and effort and yes, feeling pain and facing uncomfortable truths to gradually start healing and releasing.
Sean also had us tell our stories as tragedy or a hero’s story.
First, we wrote down significant events in our lives (these could either be good or bad - the point was to write down all the major points that shaped our lives)
Then, in partners, we told the story as if it were a tragedy… the bad that came out of all of these events, how horrible or disappointing or tragic it was.
Our partner responded with, how awful that’s so terrible that all of that happened to you - or something along those lines.
You can probably see what’s coming next… but the part two of this was to share our story as a story of triumph.
What positive outcome or meaning can you attach to your life circumstances?
What powerful shifts can you create when you tell your story as one of triumph?
You’ve probably all experienced those conversations with friends or family members that quickly spiral into a pity-fest or a strange kind of competition of ‘who had it worse.”
How do you end up feeling after these conversations?
Probably not that empowered.
Now, I want to be clear - this isn’t about disavowing negative experiences or not allowing yourself to experience negative emotions.
It IS about moving through and not getting stuck there.
It IS about training ourselves and the people around us to respond differently.
Yes, you’re right - it sucks, but I’m also going to see what I can learn from this.
Another powerful reframe is to change the question from “why is this happening TO me?” to “why is this happening FOR me?”
I understand that sometimes this can be hard to do in the moment. For example, when I slammed my finger in the car door or spilled my hot coffee down my back and into my computer back, I wasn’t asking calmly asking myself “Why is this happening for me? I wonder what I can learn from this?”
I was upset, frustrated, in pain, angry, all of it.
I’ve also done a great job of training the people around me to remain positive. So they helped allow me my pain (“I just need to feel in pain right now!!” I reminded them) and then once that moved through me and subsided, I was able to shift the story more quickly without getting stuck in the tragedy.
On a much deeper level, I’ve been able to do that with my personal stories of abandonment and abuse. It hasn’t always been easy, and I’ve done a ton of healing work to be able to move from tragedy to triumph. It has been painful and hard at times, but working with therapists and coaches has helped me forgive, release and understand how these events shaped me into the person I am now.
How could you work on changing the story?
Are there any areas of your life where you could re-write the script from tragedy into triumph?
I’d love to hear!!
Xoxo
Ps.
A loving reminder that I have a couple of spots available for 1-1 coaching (where we go super deep into this concept of changing our internal stories and scripts - it’s powerful and freeing work!!) and also we have just 2 spots left for our Lucir retreat in Mexico.
Are you living in a snow globe
Hello my dear,
Can you believe it’s FEBRUARY already??
Wow - it feels like the last month flew by.
I’ve just returned back from Fort Worth, Texas - where I spoke at an event called Infinite Receiving Live. It was probably one of the most life-changing experiences of my life - a cracked wide open, raw, empowering and loving event that brought together 100+ women to celebrate and support each other and open ourselves up to receive.
I will be writing more about this soon - and sharing the main take aways and also the content of my speech -where I shared never before shared details of my story and what it has taken for me to HERE, where I am today.
I also had the opportunity to hear world-class speakers, including “The Jason Goldberg,” a transformational leader who also happened to open for Wu Tang Clan, is the co-creator of an internet show called the “Not So Serious Life” and whose recently published book, Prison Break, is an international best seller. He’s an amazing person and had soooooo much wisdom to share.
One thought in particularly stuck with me, and it’s one that I’ve already shared with some of my clients.
It’s this idea that many of us are living in a snow globe, desperately trying to catch snowflakes. But the snow globe is shaken up, because of the pace of our lives, and the snowflakes are perpetually swirling around.
How easy it is to catch a snowflake in this environment?
Not so easy, right?
Imagine this snowflake is a metaphor for inner peace, or a great idea, or freedom from anxiety, or a more meaningful connection with someone…
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
However, what if you were able to stop for a minute. Slow down. Allow those snowflakes to settle. What would happen then?
Sometimes we are afraid of this stillness. I know I was for a long time. My conditioned “run or numb” response meant that I was all go go go until I just couldn’t (either collapsing sick) or would turn off with alcohol.
Yet if we can slow down and welcome the quiet, the pause, the stillness… it suddenly becomes so much easier to pick up that snowflake.
In what areas of your life can you create stillness in the snow globe?
I’ll give you one very tangible example that recently came up for me.
I have a workout class that I like to go to 3 days a week. I was convinced I needed to do the 8:30am class, because then I could get to the office earlier after my training.
However, mornings were always a rush, even if I prepped clothes and smoothies and lunches the day before - we still had to rush to get Luna ready for daycare, drive across town to drop me off, then back to the other side of town for Luna’s daycare, as we only have one vehicle. A couple of months ago, I slammed my finger in the car door on one such frazzled morning. Last week, I spilled my coffee all over myself and my computer bag. My laptop is being sent to visit the Mac specialists as it now won’t turn on…
Unfortunately it took these two events to make me realized that I was created in a veritable blizzard in the mornings.
By changing the time of my workout to an hour later, I could slow down that snowstorm and start my days with calm and focus.
I love participating in events such as the one I just attended in Fort Worth because I receive so much inspiration from the other speakers and participants. ALL OF THIS is transmuted into my 1-1 coaching and my clients become the recipients of that knowledge as well. (If I am addicted to anything these days, it would be personal grown and self development.)
On that note, I have 3 spots opening up for private coaching. Once these are filled, I won’t have more spots available for at least another 3 months.
If you’d like additional support to start this new year strong, now is the time to set up a time to talk to me about 1-1 coaching.
Here is what one of my recent clients said about our time together:
“After first being witness to Caitlin’s awesomeness through her Drink Less Be More Masterclass, I decided to do a 3 month life coaching program with her. I felt a little stuck in a few areas of my life and hoped Caitlin could provide the support and guidance to help me move forward and get “unstuck”. Some areas related to my change in my relationship with alcohol, but it was other areas in my life as well. With Caitlin’s help, support and guidance I made huge steps forward with my self-awareness, self-trust and self-love. Caitlin gave me practical tools and exercises I used and practiced to help me uncover a few things that have been holding me back and allowed me to see a more positive perspective on things and be excited for my life. I looked forward to our bi-weekly calls and knew she would provide a caring ear to listen and a loving voice to provide support and guidance. And sometimes that’s all you need. If you are ready to show up for yourself, Caitlin is ready to show up for you.” - KJ
I also wanted to let you know that there are only 3 spots left for our incredible, transformative, habit-changing, spark-inducing retreat called Lucir (which literally means to shine or illuminate in Spanish).
If you want a powerful tool for calming the storm in the snowglobe, giving yourself a reset experience like this is a fast-track way to ignite big change in your life.
Having just left an event where profound breakthroughs happened and lifelong friendships were forged in just 2.5 days, imagine what can happen with a whole week together.
If you have any questions about the retreat (which is happening March 14-21)- please comment on this blog or send me a message asap.
If you’d like to set up a time to talk about 1-1 coaching, please book your time here.Remember, once these spots are filled, I won't be taking on new clients until April (at least).
I can’t wait to connect with you more!
xoxo