Brave Visibility
I was so excited when Kimra and Yasemin reached out to me to me to be on their podcast! It went live last week but because I was on vacation with my family, I was only able to share on social media (if you aren’t following yet, click the icons below to follow on Instagram and Facebook).
Brave Visibility is a platform to prioritize and de-stigmatize mental health within the entrepreneurial space. Healing any kind of trauma, loss, grief is a major step in showing up bravely.
I loved this conversation because we talked about mental health, and the social pressures to drink, and the importance of really understanding the “need” underneath the desire to drink. We talk about how you can reframe what sobriety means to you and how you can give yourself permission to take breaks from alcohol to transform your relationship with yourself.
Since I’ve been home in Canada for my annual summer visit, I have had the opportunity to reflect a bit on what it means to be authentic and brave and VISIBLE. I forget sometimes that people here read my blog or follow what I’m up to on Facebook. So there’s been a few instances where I’ve shown up a people’s houses, or my friend’s restaurant, or an impromptu boat tour, and I’m immediately offered a selection of non-alcoholic drinks. I appreciate it and it allows me to then decide without any awkwardness what I want to drink and if I want it to have alcohol or not.
This is a very different experience than what happened to one of my clients recently. She was on vacation with her mom and a close friend (amongst others) and she didn’t let anyone know about her intentions or the fact that she was trying to drink less. She went over the limit she had set for herself and ended up feeling really bad physically and also disappointed by her choices.
The thing is, learning new behaviour and habits is challenging and we will often default to what feels comfortable and familiar. That’s where the BRAVERY comes in! It’s brave to share about making changes, it’s brave to have those conversations and let others know your intentions. It doesn’t mean you need to start a blog or broadcast all over social media like I do, however, choosing one or two people you can speak to about the changes you hope to make and articulating your intentions to someone else will really help you choose the new behaviour over the old one.
Remember, the people that really care about you want to support you. Be specific in your requests, and make it about YOU and not them (ie no judgement if they don’t want to change their own drinking).
I’d love to hear your thoughts on the podcast or one way you can show up bravely for yourself this week.
Summer lovin' and find your happy
Summer’s in full swing! (Unless you are one of my Australian/NZ readers, in which case I hope you’re having an amazing winter break!)
Either way, I hope this season brings some time for yourself, to slow down and, be present and connect.
If you do find yourself with a bit of extra time, I wanted to share my latest article with you: Is dating better without the booze? We asked the experts.
I was super excited when my editor from Mind Body Green reached out to me with this as a story idea. Whether you are currently single and dating, or not, I believe this article is really important.
Why?
Because it talks about something we all crave but often struggle with - authentic connection. So whether that’s connecting on a date, or connecting in any social environment, or at work function, many of the principles are the same.
Being asked to contribute to this article also gave me the nudge I needed to finally ignite a project that has been on the back burner for a while, so to speak.
Can you guess which one of the chapters of my book has been the most popular?
Chapter 8!! The one all about sober dating and sober SEX. Many people have told me they’d like to see this chapter turn into an entire book!
So my dear - things are aligning for this desire to come to fruition.
Of course - I’d love to hear from YOU - if you could have any question answered, on the topic of dating, sex, relationships, communicating with your partner, etc etc... What would it be?
In other news, I had an incredible conversation awhile back with Veronica Ebu-Isaac, for her podcast Live Your Happy. Then, with the end of school year activities and getting ready to move houses and countries for the summer, I forgot to share it with you!
The overall theme of the conversation is about finding your own path (apt for what we do here at Redefining Sobriety, of course) but we covered a whole bunch, including:
How can you choose what works for you regardless of others expectations?
What does it mean to re-define sobriety?
What powerful question can help you let go of what happened in the past?
What is radical self-care/self-love and how can you practically apply it to your life?
What magical universe would I like to create for my young daughter Luna?
What is my special mantra this year?
And more!!
I can't wait to hear your thoughts on this special podcast!
Finally, I thought I'd share an article that I wrote a couple of summers ago titled 7 easy ways to keep your summer boozing in check. The title is pretty self-explanatory so I'll leave you with that - but I'd love to hear which tip you'll be implementing or if there's another strategy that you'd like to share!
Ghosting and facing fear
I wanted to share something that I haven't written about before, and you'll understand why in a minute. This isn't about making anyone wrong, to the contrary, I hope this is useful for you and can help you understand yourself more (which is always my intention with this newsletter!)
I get ghosted!
If you’re not familiar with the terms ghosted, it refers to a phenomenon that has become more common during this era of online dating (and online communications in general). According to Wikipedia, the term first made its way into popular vernacular in 2011 and refers to "disappearing from someone’s life mysteriously and without explanation."
While it’s typically referred used in reference to online dating and romantic relationships, ghosting can happen in any type of relationship.
Fun fact about me - I’ve NEVER had an online dating profile nor have I dated online (and gratefully I’ve never been stood up on a date IRL) - so no, this isn’t what this newsletter is about.
The ghosting I’m referring to is what happens when someone reaches out to me, we have an hour-long conversation and sometimes a follow-up conversation, and usually multiple email exchanges. The person is excited and inspired to make a big change in their life, and wants to sign up for private coaching, and then… poof. They disappear.
Ghosted.
Thankfully, I understand this disappearing act and don’t take it personally. At all.
As Jennice Vilhauer writes in Psychology Today, people who ghost are primarily focused on avoiding their own emotional discomfort.
I know this.
I know that it is a form of self-protection, because of… fear.
I’ve also spent years studying psychology and neuro-transformation and I know that fear is quite literally a mindf**k…
In my last newsletter, I introduced this topic because it is so important and such a common theme for people who are trying to make a change around their drinking (or any big change).
And while I can listen to someone share their hopes and dreams and visions for themselves and believe wholeheartedly in the change I know they are capable of making… I’m not the one feeling as though I’m risking everything by changing my relationship to alcohol (though I was, at one time, more on that later).
Our brains don’t like change. Remember- this is our biological imperative. Our primitive brains cause us to fear change because it could equal danger. And our survival instinct would rather bet on the possibility that we are avoiding danger rather than avoiding something that is beneficial.
Our fear invents a story of deprivation and loss… to do so, we look for evidence of all the things that could go wrong: The time we tried and failed... The time we made a change and it resulted in a fight with our partner... The discomfort of trying something new and feeling awkward…
This is called a negative confirmation bias.
This is fear trying to keep you the same. Remember, it is just doing its job.
Trying to keep you safe!
And remember - what could pretty much guarantee our ancestors safety during tribal times?
Being a part of the tribe!!
We crave connection (love) and security… and we need it to survive!!
That’s why these changes and the fear associated feel like such a big deal.
Because while on the surface it might feel like fearing rejection or having a disagreement with our partner over plans for a Friday night, but on a deeper level, our brains and nervous system experiences this fear of rejection or loss of love as a potential threat to survival.
Understanding this, and being compassionate with ourselves (and our fear) is critical for making any kind of significant change.
So, have you avoided something or someone because of fear?
If so - go easy on yourself.
You can even take it a step further and forgive yourself!
The last thing you need is to pile on more shame and self-criticism.
What you can do is try to understand what made you so afraid, and to give yourself what you need in order to grow and do differently next time.
If you are trying to make a big change - KNOW that resistance is normal!
Also, know that this is exactly why coaching exists.
Facing our fears and making a big change isn’t easy... that’s why loving, supportive accountability can make all the difference.
So let’s connect. This week is International Health Coach week and yes, I'm a certified Holistic Health Coach.
To celebrate, I’ve opened up more time in my calendar this week and next.
In addition to everything related to neuro-transformation (which I'm also certified in), positive psychology, and reducing the harms associated with alcohol and drugs (also my career for 12 years before becoming a coach)... I can support you with everything from nutrition to sleep to anxiety to healthier habits... and guess what? IT'S ALL CONNECTED!!
REACH OUT.
And if we’ve been in touch before, I want to hear from you again!!
Yep, that’s right, face that fear.
Instead of feeding it with isolation and shame, shower it with love, connection, and compassion!! (If you’re feeling lacking in that department, there’s another reason for us to talk! My cup overfloweth right now and I can pour love and compassion into you even when you’re not feeling it for yourself).
Use this link to set up a call!
I can’t wait to speak to you!!