A week ago today, I felt on top of the world.
I was at the penthouse of the standard, with a 360-degree view of Manhattan. The temperature was perfect, the backdrop of the city-scape was stunning and as if it couldn’t get more perfect, the “strawberry full moon” rose in the horizon as dusk fell. There was delicious canapes and custom made drinks, and the company was some of the industry leaders in the coaching and online business world.
It was one of the those “pinch me” moments.
I had traveled to NYC to celebrate my mentor’s 5 years in business.
At first, it seemed crazy to travel to New York from Southern Mexico for a party. Yet I knew how much I wanted to be there. It can be really isolating living and working from Southern Mexico and the chance to celebrate someone who had made such an impact on my life while also connecting with inspiring movers and shakers felt really important to me. It felt especially important after such a challenging 6 months, having to scale way back on my business while taking care of my mental and physical health during my separation and transition.
As soon as I set my intention to come – beautiful synchronous connections starting happening. Other women that I love and admire were going to be in the city that weekend, a monthly Goddess Brunch fell on that weekend, one of my first roommates who happens to now live in a super small town in British Colombia was in NY for the first time, I had the chance to connect with current and former clients in meaningful ways.
My schedule was packed yet I was able to take such good care of myself.
This is a far cry from even a few years ago, when I would have crashed and burned after such a stimulating weekend.
I felt so much gratitude that it felt effortless to be present, to soak in all the vibes, to feel authentically confident without needing alcohol to boost my worthiness artificially.
I feel like Selena’s party set the tone for the entire weekend. I couldn’t help but reflect on how different things would have been a few short years ago.
With an open bar and adrenaline-filled setting (for me), I would have been the last one there and the first one volunteering to keep the party going. In fact, I probably would have organized the after-party, as I was prone to do at conferences I had attended in the past.
I would have partied all night and still arrived early to my engagement the next morning. I would have done this to prove that I was “okay” and not a total train wreck. This was all so engrained in my over-achieving personality.
Most of the participants would have been fooled. My raspy voice and slightly glassy eyes might have given something away but only to the trained eye aka fellow over achieving party person.
I would have kept this up, likely all weekend. Running on adrenaline, caffeine, stimulants, and alcohol.
There were certainly physical ramifications, my skin was always breaking out. I was pounds heavier than my natural body weight. I got sick a lot. My sleep patterns were wacky and when I wasn’t drinking myself to sleep, I experienced insomnia.
Spiritually and emotionally, I was suffering. I used alcohol to mask feelings of unlovability and unworthiness, anxiety and depression.
After this incredibly uplifting and inspiring high-vibe weekend, I have had what could have only been described as a major comedown.
As you might have read in my last update, it started when I pulled out my computer on the plane to get caught up with work, and realized that I had the wrong computer! Somehow I had a computer identical to mine, but the username belonged to someone else! It must have been switched at the TSA security point. Worse, this computer was on loan to me while I attempted to fix mine that had been damaged by coffee spilling in my bag.
I had planned to spend several days in Mexico City to complete Luna’s Mexican passport application with Luis, before bringing Luna back to Puerto Escondido with me.
We spent hours at two different passport meetings and in traffic only to have Luna’s application rejected TWICE (first time because of an incorrect stamp and second time because of an extra “e” in my name on Luna’s Mexican birth certificate which means my name is different on that than on my passport.)
This means that I have to go to another city, the capital of the state in which Luna was born, and there’s a series of steps and meetings that end in a meeting in front of a judge to get this paperwork changed (something that we weren’t responsible for and hadn’t even noticed).
This means extra trips, and the money I spent to change my flights and Luna’s after our first application was rejected is effectively down the drain (also if they’d told us Tuesday what they told us at our second meeting Thursday, I would have just gone home and started the next process of fixing her birth certificate, but they didn’t tell us that on Tuesday, so we spent these extra days in the city and got another notarized document done that we will now have to do again because it needs to be recent for application.)
Luna projectile vomited on the way to the appointment yesterday, and then again when we got to my ex-inlaws place. Days spent in cars and crowded hot rooms, following a series of unknown steps and only to be rejected, not having any alone time or nature to ground me, and finding my regular self-care practices somewhat elusive has thrown me off-center.
You know what’s amazing to me? The only time I really wanted a drink was when I first realized I had the wrong computer and I rush to tell the flight attendants and they were pouring glasses of red wine. The smell hit me and I thought, that would be so easy.
And yet, here I am. Staying present. Refusing to numb. Drinking chamomile tea when I can. Using my lavender oil(for calming) and cedar wood oil (for grounding). Trying to sleep. Taking a ton of deep breaths. Crying when I needed to. Feeling all the feels. Staying positive and in faith that there are reasons beyond my comprehension right now that this is unfolding this way. Instead of staying in the “why is this happening to me?” disempowered place, reframing into “How is this happening FOR me?”
I’d love to hear from you!
What’s your biggest take away from what I’ve shared? Is there anything in your life that you can reframe into a “How is this happening for me?” question? Is there anything else you’d like to know about how I navigated NYC almost entirely alcohol-free? (Because I know you want to know – the only wine I had was half a glass of red with dinner when I arrived, a glass of Barolo with a fine Italian lunch, and another glass of red with BBQ during a jazz dinner. That’s it over 5 days and with tons of opportunities to drink!)
xoxo,
