Hello and welcome to September!

Since landing in Canada just over 3 weeks ago, I’ve experienced a series of flashbacks that have brought perspective to just how far I’ve come in this journey of self-re-discovery and healing.

Flashback to Trashy Tuesdays (7 years ago) when it was a source of pride to get drunk mid-week.

I somehow felt more at home with the misfits who were also out drinking on a Tuesday night. Looking back, the biggest common denominator we shared was a need to escape reality for on a weeknight using alcohol. We were at the local bar sucking back two-dollar highballs like there was no tomorrow. When tomorrow did of course arrive replete with a pounding headache and a stomach heavy with remorse, hump day was even more of a mountain to climb. This flashback hit me as I was dancing at the same bar at the unofficial after-party for our town’s Pride celebrations. I was sober and having a blast dancing in the middle of 6 foot tall drag queens and a medley of the town’s queer folk and allies, without a care of what anymore “else” (ie the bar’s very straight-seeming regular clientele) thought.

Flashback to 5 years ago when I heard the following words. “I need naloxone!”

The nurse shouted as he ran down the hall. “Naloxone? Is my mom having an overdose?” I had come back to Canada to support my mom during the recovery of a fairly routine hip surgery. I had called the nurse as my mom’s temperature had dropped and she seemed to be shaking uncontrollably and the became unresponsive. I knew enough about opiates to know this looked like an overdose and that Naloxone was an opiate-blocker given to those experiencing an overdose. Somehow, my mother’s IV had allowed too much morphine to be administered. I’m really good in crisis, and the nurse used me as his aid as he stabilized her condition. Yet I couldn’t emotionally process seeing my mom almost die (I don’t know if she actually could have but that’s what it felt like). That night I took the Seabus into the city for a get-together at a friend’s house, which turned into going to a dive bar for more drinks, which turned into showing up at a sketchy afterparty. I made it back to another friend’s house only because that friend had a daughter who was going to need to be up in the morning and she remembered to “be responsible” at 4am. I overslept to see messages on my phone from the original friend I was supposed to spend the night with, worried because I never showed up at her house, and from my sister because I was late arriving back to the hospital to help discharge my mom. We missed a ferry back to our hometown and I felt sick with shame for letting my family down. All of this came flooding back to me as we drove around the neighbourhood and my mom pointed out the hospital where she had her surgery.

Flashback to my hometown’s Blackberry Street Festival 4 years ago.

I’d been working at my friend’s restaurant and drinking as much tequila as I could sneak in between busily serving beers and margaritas under a tent barely protecting us from the pouring down rain. My cousin and his partner were visiting, and they bravely faced the elements to come have a beer with my mom and keep me company for a bit while I worked. They were only staying for the weekend. Instead of going home to my mom’s after my shift was over, I went to the local bar (yep, same one that I frequented for trashy Tuesdays) to chase down someone I’d had my eye on. He was super drunk and had a coworker of mine hanging all over him. Me, with everything to prove, needed to feel like the chosen one and charmed him accordingly. We ended up stumbling up the hill to his sister’s house (none of us was fit to drive) and continuing the party aka drinking more. We eventually collided and experienced each other in ways that I’m sure neither of us quite remembered the next day. Waking up, still drunk feeling, and realizing I was in my friend’s daughter’s room and all I wanted was to get out of there. Instead, we went to A&W and I ate something that only enhanced my feeling of wanting to vomit. I got dropped off at my mom’s car, drove home slowly, head-swimming and put on a brave face as I sat down shame-filled at the table where my cousins were having a delicious homemade lunch with my mom. I was a few months into my Holistic Health Coach training program and felt, yet again, that I was living a double life. This flashback return as those same cousins came to Blackberry fest again this year. Instead of going out after the street festival, I couldn’t be happier to crawl into bed next to Luna and get up early to take our kids to the farmer’s market. That night I did go to a party and saw the same friend whose house I had said at 4 years ago (and whose little brother I had hooked up with). I danced without needing attention from anyone and was gratefully the designated driver, dropping off a few friends and waking up a little tired but totally clear the next day and able to enjoy time with family.

There are many more flashbacks but these are a few of the most powerful.

It is with immense relief that I can experience these flashbacks without feeling paralyzed by shame or remorse as I did in the past.

Instead I feel gratitude and compassion for that part of me.

That woman who still didn’t understand or love herself enough to choose differently… who often didn’t even know she had a choice.

I also recognize that I can feel this level of compassion and gratitude because I’ve come so far and have done so much work on myself, so much healing, so much forgiving.

I’m at a now safe distance and have no fear of slipping back to that version of me.

You might not be quite there yet. I get that. It took me awhile too.

That’s why it’s so important to me to keep offering the tools and support to help along the way.

September has always been a month that has brought the promise of change for me.

I love the energy shift as we head into the last quarter of the year.

This year I’m offering a 21-day “September Reset” for anyone feeling that they are ready to powerfully shift into the new season. I’ll be sharing all of my best tools and strategies – for free!

We start September 8th and you can sign up here.

Now I’m signing off to enjoy my last weekend in Canada, at the Sunshine Music Fest, before kicking back into gear and getting ready to reset next week.

I hope you have a fabulous weekend of “being present” and soaking it all in, and hope you will consider joining the reset too.

xoxo