Hello,
“I understand now that I’m not a mess but a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I explain that now, when someone asks me why I cry so often, “For the same reason I laugh so often, because I’m paying attention.” – Glennon Doyle
If you’re friends with me on Facebook, you’ll know that this past week I was feeling really sad. The news of both Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain committing suicide and leaving behind young daughters – hit me hard.
Seeing countless follow up posts about friends and acquaintances who were also struggling with mental health, or who had lost someone, really brought home how much we are struggling collectively – in a culture that is making us sick and isolated… and is literally killing some of us. There are some weeks, like last week, where we come face to face with that reality, and I don’t know about you caitlin, I’m left reeling and wondering “Am I doing enough? How can we change this?”
***
A week ago today, on Friday afternoon, in a freak accident, a young construction worker was electrocuted and died on the roof directly in front of my house here in Mexico.
In an instant, so many lives were changed forever.
My friend who heard the cries and saw it go down from her balcony, and called for help.
My other two friends who rushed down from their third-floor apartment ran across the street and up three floors where one performed CPR and the other held the young man’s head and prayed and talked to him as his spirit left his body.
The young man’s older brother, who was the head of the construction crew and watched his younger brother die.
The neighbour’s/owners of the construction site, one of whom was also electrocuted and rushed to the hospital where he remains under observation.
The staff of our hotel, who have been friends with the family for years, one of whom was hanging out on the rooftop during a break, just minutes before the accident.
And of course, the rest young man’s family… including wife and 9-month-old baby, and his parents who had to say goodbye to their child.
The grief and shock around were palpable over the weekend. The building site directly across from my patio remains eerily silent and it is impossible not to think about what happened every time I look out my window, as I did numerous times a day.
***
And then on Saturday, I had a consultation call with a guy I had known from elementary and middle school. My initial consultations are usually 45 mins to an hour, and we talked for twice as long.
While a lot of our conversation centred around his experiences, we also talked about mine.
We talked about how we had learned to survive trauma and the culture of extreme and violent toxic masculinity that we grew up with… He became a hockey player, used alcohol to numb and aggression as an outlet for his pain. Though he was a few years younger than the perpetrators of the abuse I experienced, he literally became “that guy” I had to protect myself from.
I held space for him to cry and I could feel him sobbing from across an entire continent.
The conversation brought up a lot for me, it literally so close to home.
I felt deeply sad after. I sat in my office and cried.
I cried tears for the children in both of us, longing to be held and comforted and loved unconditionally.
I wept for the teenagers in both of us, who grasped at all we knew to survive and both resorted to defiantly fighting/fucking our way out… and the resulting, protective shell so thick it is taking years to chip away.
For us as adults and parents, trying so hard to heal and learn to love ourselves so that we can show our kids how to be whole.
***
The layers of sadness felt like a cloud around and inside of me… clouding my ability to think clearly (I kept forgetting things) or move quickly.
I went to see Ocean’s 8 on Saturday and was entertained for a couple of hours and yet as soon as I got home, the cloud returned.
I went out dancing for a couple of hours that night and had my moments of joy, but then the sadness would well up in my eyes and my friend/dance partner kept saying “animoCata” … I felt the old familiar urge to numb/escape creep back. I took myself home and cried instead.
***
I’m paying attention.
I’m refusing to turn away.
I’m also releasing the sense that there is something “wrong” with me when I can’t “get over it” or when I feel so deeply
I’ve felt distracted and can’t really concentrate
And I know that this is okay
It’s okay for me to be with sadness
It’s okay if it takes time
I’d rather be “too sensitive” than tuned out
Learning to show up as I am and truly BE has been one of the hardest and also most beautiful gifts of my life.
***
What can you do if you’re feeling sad?
Be honest:
One of the biggest gifts you can give yourself is to be honest about what’s going on. I used to put on a smiley face to try to convince everyone including myself that “EVERYTHING IS FINE” – when of course, it wasn’t.
It still feels unfamiliar to me to answer the question “how are you?” honestly.
Here’s an example of a conversation with a friend on Monday (over text message):
Friend: “How are you?”
Me: “I’m actually really sad right now.”
Friend: ‘How come?”
Me: “I’m not sure. Everything. It feels like a lot right now.”
Friend: “What can I do to help?”
Me: “I don’t know… I think I just need to be sad. Keep checking in… give me a hug later?”
Then I posted on Facebook about feeling sad. It was really hard for me to do this, as is sharing this blog. After putting on a mask for so many years, it’s still hard to take it off sometimes, even with practice.
Give yourself time:
I’ve come to realize more and more that the only way out is through. As you saw from my attempts to distract myself from my sadness on Saturday, it didn’t really work. Going to the movie and then out dancing was a temporary escape, however, what I really needed was to give myself the time to experience the range of emotions … and to have a fully embodied experience of my grief and sadness. This took a few days, days where I tried to slow right down and take the non-essentials off of my “to-do” list. If this isn’t possible, for example, you are a caretaker and have to go to your 9-5 job and just aren’t able to turn inward, it’s okay… Be patient and gentle with yourself and know that it might take a little bit more time to work through you.
Support:
It can be really hard to reach out for support when you are feeling sad, and even more so when you are depressed. That’s why I advocate setting up a support system when things “aren’t so bad.”
I have a world-class team of support: an incredibly skilled holistic therapist whom I see every two weeks (currently repeating in my calendar “forever” lol), two coaches, my mastermind sisters, several colleagues who truly understand the unique challenges of being an entrepreneur, friends with whom I can be raw and real, family…
If you’ve been feeling sad, lonely, isolated, overwhelmed, paralyzed, wanting to tune out or numb… Let’s talk. I know it can be hard to reach out but I promise you will feel better when you do. Together, we are stronger. Sometimes, speaking with someone can help you see options that aren’t obvious when you’re “deep in it.” I would love to connect. Click here to set up a time.
Hugs,
xoxo
