She leaned in, tears streaming down her face. Bringing herself to the edge of the sofa where she was sitting, she crossed the gap towards where I was sitting across from her with her warm embrace.
“Caitlin, you are so so brave,” she said.
“Being true to yourself is one of the hardest things you can do, especially when it goes against the status quo. And you are doing this without numbing, you are staying present through the pain. You are so brave.”
I hugged her and sobbed. I sobbed tears of release, tears of sadness, tears of relief, tears of exhaustion from trying so hard to be someone I’m not.
When I finally pulled away, I asked: “What do I do now?”
“You need to be honest,” my therapist said. “You need to tell the truth.”
I knew the answer, yet hearing it made it real.
Yes, I have to tell the truth.
Not doing so has led to a kind of soul-level dissonance that has caused anxiety, headaches, irritability and a stronger craving to disappear back into numbing behaviors than I have felt in years.
The truth is that I wasn’t happy in my relationship. I didn’t feel as though I could be a whole person, or fully accepted as the complex person that I am. While I’ve been growing in so many areas of my life, engaged deeply in healing and transformational work, and have had a major impact on the lives of many – I consistently shrank at home. I had to keep myself small and contained and within a role pre-determined by culture, religion and societal expectations.
So why was it so hard to be honest, even though honesty and authenticity are two of my foundational values and imbued in everything I do professionally?
I’ve thought a lot about this.
I see it over and over again with my clients and friends.
As women, we’re trained at making due. We probably have a biological imperative to do so. We try to make the best of things, especially when there are children involved. My mama bear instinct is strong and the thought of doing anything to disrupt my child’s life was unbearable.
Luis is also an incredible father and human being – he’s kind, funny, generous and protective. Things weren’t horrible, by any stretch. When it came to providing for Luna and giving her a solid foundation, he was there 100%.
But when it came to trying to what I needed to continue to grow and show up fully as an integrated, whole woman – we were worlds apart.
I won’t share much more out of respect for him (of which I have a tremendous amount) and the transition we are going through but I did need to share what was happening with me.
You may have noticed that I’ve been quiet for awhile and this is partially why.
The other part is that I was focused on hosting 12 incredible women for our first Lucir retreat here in Puerto Escondido. It was a life-shifting experience for all involved and creating the energetic container for the magic to happen required my full presence leading up to and after the event.
One thing I can say with absolute certainty is that I am so grateful for this path I walk. I am so grateful for the tools I have learned and created because I am putting them ALL to use now.
Since Lucir wrapped just over 2 weeks ago,
I have started doing the thrive threesome daily again (from Chapter 2 in my book, let me know if you want to know more).
I’ve been sleeping a lot and drinking a lot of tea.
I’ve been exercising, dancing or doing yoga daily.
I’ve watched a lot of sunsets and spent a lot of time stargazing.
I’ve had a massage and booked another one for this Saturday.
I have stayed on the emotional rollercoaster ride even during the terrifying drops that make me want to jump off.
I’ve been feeling ALL the feels and staying present.
I’ve stayed with the pain and uncertainty.
I’ve resisted the temptation to distract myself with social engagements, dates, or new projects.
I’ve stayed mindfully connected with my clients and community and am so grateful that we have each other.
I’ve been planning some new offerings that feel in total alignment with where I’m at right now and the past year of powerful transformation and can’t wait to share more info on that soon.
There you have it dear, a summary of the massive shifts happening in my life.
Thank you for understanding that I simply couldn’t write for awhile – I needed to stay present with what was happening for myself before trying to explain it to others.
There will be much, much more coming your way soon as this butterfly takes flight and processes her transformation.
Until then, infinite gratitude and love,
xoxo
