I wanted to share something that I haven’t written about before, and you’ll understand why in a minute. This isn’t about making anyone wrong, to the contrary, I hope this is useful for you and can help you understand yourself more (which is always my intention with this newsletter!)

I get ghosted!

If you’re not familiar with the terms ghosted, it refers to a phenomenon that has become more common during this era of online dating (and online communications in general). According to Wikipedia, the term first made its way into popular vernacular in 2011 and refers to “disappearing from someone’s life mysteriously and without explanation.”

While it’s typically referred used in reference to online dating and romantic relationships, ghosting can happen in any type of relationship.

Fun fact about me – I’ve NEVER had an online dating profile nor have I dated online (and gratefully I’ve never been stood up on a date IRL) – so no, this isn’t what this newsletter is about.

The ghosting I’m referring to is what happens when someone reaches out to me, we have an hour-long conversation and sometimes a follow-up conversation, and usually multiple email exchanges. The person is excited and inspired to make a big change in their life, and wants to sign up for private coaching, and then… poof. They disappear.


Thankfully, I understand this disappearing act and don’t take it personally. At all.

As Jennice Vilhauer writes in Psychology Today, people who ghost are primarily focused on avoiding their own emotional discomfort.

I know this.

I know that it is a form of self-protection, because of… fear.

I’ve also spent years studying psychology and neuro-transformation and I know that fear is quite literally a mindf**k…

In my last newsletter, I introduced this topic because it is so important and such a common theme for people who are trying to make a change around their drinking (or any big change).

And while I can listen to someone share their hopes and dreams and visions for themselves and believe wholeheartedly in the change I know they are capable of making… I’m not the one feeling as though I’m risking everything by changing my relationship to alcohol (though I was, at one time, more on that later).

Our brains don’t like change. Remember- this is our biological imperative. Our primitive brains cause us to fear change because it could equal danger. And our survival instinct would rather bet on the possibility that we are avoiding danger rather than avoiding something that is beneficial.

Our fear invents a story of deprivation and loss… to do so, we look for evidence of all the things that could go wrong: The time we tried and failed… The time we made a change and it resulted in a fight with our partner… The discomfort of trying something new and feeling awkward…

This is called a negative confirmation bias.

This is fear trying to keep you the same. Remember, it is just doing its job.

Trying to keep you safe!

And remember – what could pretty much guarantee our ancestors safety during tribal times?

Being a part of the tribe!!

We crave connection (love) and security… and we need it to survive!!

That’s why these changes and the fear associated feel like such a big deal.

Because while on the surface it might feel like fearing rejection or having a disagreement with our partner over plans for a Friday night, but on a deeper level, our brains and nervous system experiences this fear of rejection or loss of love as a potential threat to survival.

Understanding this, and being compassionate with ourselves (and our fear) is critical for making any kind of significant change.

So, have you avoided something or someone because of fear?

If so – go easy on yourself.

You can even take it a step further and forgive yourself!

The last thing you need is to pile on more shame and self-criticism.

What you can do is try to understand what made you so afraid, and to give yourself what you need in order to grow and do differently next time.

If you are trying to make a big change – KNOW that resistance is normal!

Also, know that this is exactly why coaching exists.

Facing our fears and making a big change isn’t easy… that’s why loving, supportive accountability can make all the difference.

So let’s connect. This week is International Health Coach week and yes, I’m a certified Holistic Health Coach.

To celebrate, I’ve opened up more time in my calendar this week and next.

In addition to everything related to neuro-transformation (which I’m also certified in), positive psychology, and reducing the harms associated with alcohol and drugs (also my career for 12 years before becoming a coach)… I can support you with everything from nutrition to sleep to anxiety to healthier habits…  and guess what? IT’S ALL CONNECTED!!


And if we’ve been in touch before, I want to hear from you again!!

Yep, that’s right, face that fear.

Instead of feeding it with isolation and shame, shower it with love, connection, and compassion!!  (If you’re feeling lacking in that department, there’s another reason for us to talk! My cup overfloweth right now and I can pour love and compassion into you even when you’re not feeling it for yourself).

Use this link to set up a call!

I can’t wait to speak to you!!