A couple of weeks ago we were settling in after arriving home from a few weeks away (I was in NYC and Luis and Luna were with his parents in Mexico City). We arrived home in the late afternoon and Luis had to rush out to check in on his businesses. He was gone for the rest of the evening.
I noticed one of those personal sized bottles of champagne in the fridge. I had forgotten that I bought it before we left. As I looked closer I realized that the seal had been broken (under the fancy foil is a screw top) but when I unscrewed it, there was still a bit of fizz. I poured myself half a glass, with every intention of leaving the other half glass for Luis. I put Luna to bed and came back downstairs.
Without really thinking too much about it, I poured myself the rest of the glass.
“Hey, don’t we have champagne the fridge?” Luis asked the following afternoon.
“I noticed it was open last night but it was flat. I dumped it out.” The words popped out of my mouth without any forethought.
“Oh, I guess the caretaker must have opened it.”
“I guess.” I replied, with a tightened knot in my stomach.
OMG.
I lied about my drinking!!
With seemingly no reason. Luis doesn’t care if I drink. I’d even told him about the night out in NYC where I drank more than I had in years.
I’ve had similar conversations with my clients. Women whose partners are supportive and loving and non-judgemental. Partners and spouses who don’t care if they drink 1.5 or 3 glasses, as long as they are happy and feeling good about their choices.
And yet, sometimes that little white lie pops out, unplanned and leaving them perplexed as to where it came from.
So why do we lie?
As it turns out, a recent poll showed that women are twice as likely to lie as men. These lies aren’t intended maliciously. The poll found that little lies are usually to make someone feel better, to avoid trouble, or to “make life simpler.”
Is this true for those of us who drink?
In my conversations with clients and certainly in my own self-exploration, I’ve come to believe that many of us are conditioned from a young age to be “good.”
Many of us are achievers or perfectionists.
We learned from an early age that our value and lovability was linked to how well we were performing or how nice/generous/compliant/accomplished we are.
Drinking became an escape from that pressure. A way to release ourselves from this never-ending performance and to give ourselves permission to be free, or naughty, or fun, or whatever we felt like we couldn’t be in our daily lives.
This in and of itself meant that our drinking was somewhat shameful, combined with the fact that many of us did do things under the influence that we would never do sober.
So now, as adults, we carry this imprinting and it sneaks up on us in seemingly innocuous situations.
What do you think ?
Have you ever lied about your drinking or the effects of your drinking? (One client has a really hard time admitting if she ever feels hungover)
Developing an awareness around what our “scared little girl” inside might be trying to cover up with the lie, or what story we tell about ourselves (perfect, in control etc) might be triggering the lie is a great first first.
Second, admitting that the lie happened and that you are working on healing that part of yourself.
Here’s how I imagine the conversation going when I have it with Luis:
“You know when you asked me about the champagne? I really surprised myself in the moment – because I lied about it. It was already open, but I didn’t dump it out, I drank it. I realize that there’s still a part of me that fears judgment. I’m also terrified of people being mad at me, and even though I know it’s irrational because you won’t be made at me, the little girl inside is still scared. I’m sorry that I lied and I’m working on understanding the part of myself that still feels the impulse to do so.”
I’ll let you know how it goes!
This is a topic I’m going to continue researching as I find it fascinating and it affects so many of us.
That’s why I’d love to hear from you! If you have anything you’d like to share or any questions about the topic, please email me at [email protected] and let me know!” for the blog.
xoxo
