The most important ingredient for sober (or soberish) sex.
As promised last week, here’s a sexy blog post for you!!
While I really enjoyed my conversation with James Swanwick about sober dating and sex - I also felt that we didn’t really go deep - especially when we got to the sex part. (If you haven’t listened yet - you can catch it here).
For most women I know, it’s not so easy and “just do it!!” Especially when alcohol and intimacy have been so intertwined for many years, if not most of our lives.
So while James was waxing poetic about how much better you’ll look naked once you stop drinking, I was thinking to myself, “yeah, but it took me awhile to FEEL better naked.”
In my book, Drink Less Be More, I devote an entire chapter to sex and dating, when in reality - it could be an entire book because the topic is so nuanced.
Until very recently, alcohol and intimacy and sex were always inextricably linked, as were my relationships.
I’m a passionate lover, and I mean that in all senses.
I often fell quickly and deeply into the people I was dating.
During my 20s, was in three serious relationships… each in fairly quick succession to the other. Engaged to one of them, and married to the third, and then on road to divorce, all before age 28.
Looking back, these relationships may have resembled more of collision spinning out of control on a crash course, but I didn’t see it that way at the time.
Not surprisingly, I met all of my partners at the bar (not at the same bar, but might as well have been). Also not a shocker, all loved to drink, and consumed the same or even more copious amounts of alcohol than what I did.
Edit - my first serious “adult” relationship was with someone who wasn’t a drinker. I did meet him at a bar but marijuana was his drug of choice. Remember Dido’s song “Stoned?” That could have been our anthem.
When you're stoned, baby, I am drunk
And we make love, it seems a little desolate
It's hard sometimes not to look away
And think what's the point when I'm having to hold this fire down
I think I'll explode if I can't feel this freely now
And that is very much how I felt. Alcohol brought me the release and freedom I craved. When I was drunk, I could turn off my brain, let my over-drive ambition take a back seat, and tell my self-loathing to shut up for awhile.
I felt free. I felt sexy. I felt lovable.
I was able to be possessed by another person in a way that was too damn scary if I was sober.
I needed to feel in control of everything.
Drinking allowed me to release my fear and gave permission to my desires.
The double edged sword is the fact that while a few drinks can lower inhibitions and help you along with a dose of liquid courage and passion… too many has the opposite effect. It starts to numb, you may start to disassociate and it’s harder to orgasm.
I realized the profound difference when my current partner and I had sex for the first time, sober. I had had sober sex with my exes but it was usually after and in-between a lot of drunk sex. (This was the first time I was having sex with someone for the first time without the aid of alcohol to “get me there.”)
I could go into all of the cliche descriptors of how it felt and how different it was - you’ve read them before and they all apply here. My senses were heightened, every subtle touch sent shivers through my whole body, my pleasure soared to new heights.
It was like how I always had thought it should be (thank you Hollywood) but never was.
You might be wondering - how did I get from sloppy sex to this kind of exquisite sensuality?
It wasn’t overnight.
It involved a lot of self-love and healing.
Remember, at my very core for many years was a feeling of unlovability and unworthiness.
If I still held those beliefs, it would have been difficult for me to be open and receive. To let my guard down and feel. To allow myself to be truly seen without the false bravado brought on by alcohol.
I had worked with healers who did energy work with the chakras, and I focused on the 1st and second, where I knew I needed healing. I had attended several retreats that focused on pleasure, and shared the teachings of Mama Gena’s School of the Womanly Arts. I had seen a somatic therapist, who helped me get out of my head and into my body (she also, consequently, was the first professional to gently questioned my relationship to alcohol and encouraged me to take a break for awhile.)
I made a decision, deep down, that I deserved more. I was ready for a different kind of intimacy, one that required both vulnerability and strength - and at it’s core - authenticity.
So when my clients and community ask me about dating, sex and intimacy (without or with much less alcohol), there’s often not an easy answer.
It takes time.
But first and foremost, it takes love. The kind you lavish on yourself and nurture from within, rather than desperately seeking from another.
Instead of focusing on where the meet the new person of your dreams, fall in love with yourself. Romance yourself, take yourself on dates, get to know yourself. Learn what pleasure feels like to you, allow yourself to dream and to fantasize. If you are ready this and thinking “huh??” than that’s a good indicator that there is a lot of exploring for you to do in this area of your life.
Do this first.
Your ability to attract an energetic match and someone who truly honours and see you, and whom you never feel you have to hide from, will increase.
If you have any questions about this topic, please do not hesitate to reach out.
I know it’s tricky terrain and I am honoured whenever I can provide support and insight on this topic.
Xoxo
Ps. I feel that I should be completely transparent. This journey is on-going for me too. After having a baby, experiencing big changes to my body, and some issues in my relationship, I feel as though I am having to re-learn intimacy again!! And it’s so tempting to hit that bottle of red wine to ease back into it. So trust me when I say - I GET IT! We’re in this together :)
Thriving Summer Holidays
Well, I did it!
After 8 days, 4 airplanes, 3 countries, four mini-roadtrips and two timezones - all with a TODDLER - Luna Azul and I have almost reached our final destination for the next few months. The trip through Northern Baja and Southern California was amazing and really surprisingly easy.
We didn't get sick, we didn't have any meltdowns (either one of us, haha), and I felt stress-free the entire journey. No small feat given there were mornings I was up at 5am to finish my work before Luna woke up as naps were happening at weird times sometimes and I couldn't count on them for work time, and I even attended an elite mastermind in LA (more on that soon).
So what helped make this trip flow? What allowed me to not only survive, but thrive, without a single "I need a drink" moment?
Here are some tips that can be applied to any vacation or trip, whether traveling with a child or not.
1) Set your intentions! If you know anything about me, you know I'm all about intentions. Well, I set the intention that this voyage was going to be SMOOTH and STRESS-FREE. And it was. Even through a day spent in the airport-limbo land due to delayed flights, even during an overland border crossing between Mexico and the USA, it flowed. Mindset is a powerful thing. If I had spent the weeks leading up to this trip thinking about how stressful it was going to be, you can bet it probably would have turned out stressful!
2) I brought my toolkit. Sleepy time teas, detox teas, green powders for smoothies, essential oils for grounding, sleeping and relaxation... I was prepared. Being able to do at least a portion of my morning and evening rituals helped keep me grounded AND feeling healthy while eating on the road. Also, having my teas and oils to help me unwind at the end of the day made me way less likely to crave a glass of wind to unwind.
3) Sleep! I tend to get quite overstimulated, especially when I'm traveling. I was visiting many friends along the way and part of me longed to stay up late chatting into the wee hours of the morning. Yes I knew that everything would feel a lot harder and be less enjoyable during the day time if I was under-slept. The oils and teas were particularly helpful in this department as well.
4) Embrace flexibility / pace yourself! I was able to "go with the flow" more easily using a flexible approach rather than a rigid one. I also resisted the urge to try to do too many things, as as such, was able to fully be present and enjoy each moment.
5) Be open to receive! Whether it was asking a stranger in the airport to help putting the stroller through the x-ray or a backpack in the overhead bin, or asking friends for childcare support so that I could get my hair done or do a client call - I opened myself to receiving support. And it came in more ways that I could have ever imagined! Free upgrades, fees waved, people going the extra mile (quite literally driving out of their way) etc. (ps, let me know if you'd like to hear more about the expansion work I've been doing to expand my capacity to receive).
6) Be honest. This is a bit easier for me given my blog, book and focus of my work ie all public declarations of my intentions and "Drink Less Be More" lifestyle. But I was talking about this with a client today and she mentioned how on her recent vacation, she decided to be honest about her intentions to cut back on alcohol. The people in her life were supportive of her desire and she found it so much easier to stick to her intentions after becoming more open. I had friends stock their fridges with kombucha, double check where I wanted to eat/drink to make sure it felt comfortable for me, and have plenty of healthy alternatives on hand.
7) Indulge with intention. I ate some delicious treats, drink chocolate and rose infused coffee, ate a homemade banana split, and sampled a glass of local wine one afternoon while in Baja, and two glasses of California sparkling wine during a special dinner out... and it felt good and the perfect amount. Everything was a treat, all was celebratory, and nothing was driven by stress or wanting to stuff or numb out. And of course, feeling good about my choices led to peace of mind, made it easier to sleep at ease, had me waking up feeling refreshed and energized, and ready for a new day (or city, state or country as was the case on this trip!)
What are your favourite tips for traveling? Do you set intentions before you leave? I've been working with quite a few on my clients on special agreements and intention-setting for vacations.. Let me know if you have any questions about this or any other the tips I've addressed above!
Now that I've arrived to Canada, I'm so excited to get back into a routine. If you've emailed me this past week and I haven't responded, fear not! My inbox situation will be addressed asap.
I am also so excited to get soak in all of the amazing beauty and fill up on delicious, homegrown food.
I had a few people email and mention that the pricing was unclear in my last email about the retreats. The price you see is the TOTAL price, INCLUDING accommodation and everything listed. The only thing not included is transportation to Powell River, BC. If you have any questions at all, please do not hesitate to email!
Cheers to the weekend, vacations and solid intentions :)
xoxo
I've included a poem that my mom sent me. May it be inspiration to you - even if only to get out of town for the weekend, or plan a retreat on Savary Island this September ;)
For the Traveler
Every time you leave home,
Another road takes you
Into a world you were never in.
New strangers on other paths await.
New places that have never seen you
Will startle a little at your entry.
Old places that know you well
Will pretend nothing
Changed since your last visit.
When you travel, you find yourself
Alone in a different way,
More attentive now
To the self you bring along,
Your more subtle eye watching
You abroad; and how what meets you
Touches that part of the heart
That lies low at home:
How you unexpectedly attune
To the timbre in some voice,
Opening in conversation
You want to take in
To where your longing
Has pressed hard enough
Inward, on some unsaid dark,
To create a crystal of insight
You could not have known
You needed
To illuminate
Your way.
When you travel,
A new silence
Goes with you,
And if you listen,
You will hear
What your heart would
Love to say.
A journey can become a sacred thing:
Make sure, before you go,
To take the time
To bless your going forth,
To free your heart of ballast
So that the compass of your soul
Might direct you toward
The territories of spirit
Where you will discover
More of your hidden life,
And the urgencies
That deserve to claim you.
May you travel in an awakened way,
Gathered wisely into your inner ground;
That you may not waste the invitations
Which wait along the way to transform you.
May you travel safely, arrive refreshed,
And live your time away to its fullest;
Return home more enriched, and free
To balance the gift of days which call you.
~ John O'Donohue ~
Beat The Heat
The option of summer holiday day drinking often means that you might have more hours in the day in which your intentions could slide down a slippery, boozy slope into oblivion.
Whether you are celebrating Canada Day or Independence Day or the beginning of “Dry July” for our Australian counterparts (has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? I’m kind of surprised it hasn’t caught on here yet) the following tips can help you stick to your intentions.
It is so important to plan ahead and make sure that you are making decision using your evolved brain (focusing on the benefits of moderation and how wonderful you will feel the next day) and not your primal instant-gratification-seeking brain.
Know how many drinks you're going to drink and plan in advance.
You can even program them into your phone to help remind you of when it's time for your next drink. I know this might feel like overkill at times, but what's more of a buzzkill - having a little message pop up on your phone helping you to stay true to your intentions, or blacking out, not remembering the end of the day, and dealing with a killer hangover the next?
Check out my 5 Tips for Staying Cool During Hot Summer Celebrations (and please share this with your friends - there’s a cool graphic you can download and share easily)
And
Delicious Mocktails To Sip All Summer (With Health Benefits You Won't Believe) for great alternatives to alcohol - recipes included!! I recommend having the ingredients for these on-hand so that you have something yummy to sip on in-between their alcoholic counterparts. The idea is to create something so satisfying you’ll forget you aren’t drinking alcohol.
I'd love to hear what your favourite tips are AND if you have a mocktail recipe you'd like me to feature, that would be amazing!!
Stay tuned for some really exciting announcements coming next week!! (think invitations to exotic locations in Canada and Mexico)
Have a wonderful weekend,
xoxo
Pole Dancing
Welp. This week certainly has been a rollercoaster of emotions!! As you know from my email on Monday, the shooting in Orlando really hit a tender spot and continued to for the rest of the week.
So many of my friends and community members felt so sad, scared, and some were downright traumatized by this. On the other hand, I saw such an outpouring of love and empathy and gentleness online, which was and is a beautiful thing. I am reminded of how quickly fear and uncertainty and pain triggers our habitual responses of "Help! I just want the thing that will make this bad feeling go away the fastest!!" And even though we know alcohol isn't the healthiest thing for us in the long term, it sure does work its magic as a short term solution to whatever we might be trying to escape.
I had several powerful conversations with women I hadn't spoken to before about their visions for a new life for themselves. I heard their conviction and deep desire to show up for themselves differently. More often than not these conversations lasted longer than their allotted 45 minutes. If we haven't spoken yet - don't hesitate to schedule a session.
Despite feeling quite down at the beginning of the week, I followed through on my intention to start taking pole dancing classes and zowza.... it's one of the hardest things I've done in a long time!!
As part of the last session for the Drink Less Be More Masterclass, we had to identify what we were going to do to keep taking ACTION on our intentions. One of my intentions that I know is essential to my long term "Drink Less Success" is to allow my inner wild child to come out to play!
Taking pole dancing classes 2x a week and buying a month's pass to the dance studio so that I will be motivated to take as many dance classes as possible were two of the actions I committed to - because otherwise it's easy for me to talk myself out on going to class and doing something for MYSELF that ultimately makes me feel so good.
This is a picture of me during the first class, when I could only and after much effort, make it half way up the pole. There was nothing sexy, coordinated or gracefully about my ascent (or descent, for that matter). I huffed and puffed and heaved. My leg swung out too far as I tried to propel myself upwards, I mixed up which hand was supposed to go over top of the next, and half way up the pole I had to cling for dear life because I was slipping to the ground, rather than the "hands free" hold the instructor was helping me achieve. And this was supposed to be the most BASIC ascent. All of the others are based on this one!!
Today's class didn't start off that much better. I felt so awkward. I was over-thinking it. I actually found myself getting really frustrated and hard on myself. Do it again, said the instructor. You can do it! Try again!! And again, and again... all the while giving tips on how to coordinate better and subtle adjustments to my movements to make it easier.
All of a sudden, something clicked, and my hands touched the ceiling. Somehow, my body took over, the moves coordinated, and I had reached the top of the pole. And this time, it didn't feel like as much work. I didn't have to think about it. My body knew what it was supposed to do. I was then able to try the hands free hold, and add another new move from the top of the pole, called The Señorita: legs crossed daintily, one hand on my hip and the other in a flirtatious salute (next week I'll try to get a picture of this achievement!)
On the drive home, I felt content, proud of myself, for preserving, and for going out of my comfort zone to try something new. It also made me think of one of the questions I am asked so often about redefining your relationship to alcohol.
"Does this get easier?"
The answer is yes. It does.
In the beginning, it often feels awkward. You might have to overthink things, spend a lot of time planning, understanding triggers, creating boundaries for yourself. You will likely have to try things and situations that aren't comfortable at first. You will have to learn to push through... because as you and I both know, as long as you stay where it's safe and comfy, you are less likely to grow and change.
There is where having support can be so helpful. When you can't figure out what your next move should be, or when you feel discourage and are going to talk yourself out of trying again.
When you find yourself slipping back down that pole and are ready to give on up trying to get up it again (wait, that was me ;)
You see where I'm heading with this?
When I first get on the phone with someone, I hear doubt, fear and uncertainty that things could actually be different. Within several months, the conversations are so different. Sure there may be the odd slip, but the momentum is always upwards. And the support can help you get there that much quicker.
If this sounds like something that would be useful to you, I'd love the chance to connect with you!! I have just two spots for 1-1 coaching available this month!
Either way, think about one big thing you can start doing differently this weekend. Something to shake things up, challenge yourself, help you get out of your comfort zone. A big part of redefining your relationship to alcohol comes from creating new habits AND learning to trust yourself in different situations.
So let me know, what are you going to try that you've never tried before?
xoxo
Change IS Possible (Travel Back In Time To Cambo)
This is a bit long and quite personal, including parts of my story I haven't shared publicly yet.
Yet, I've had a number of questions and connections recently that shown me that this is the right time to share with you.
I want to take you on a journey back in time, to about 5.5 years ago. At 29 years old, I was living in Cambodia and had just secured what I thought was my dream contract in my field. I had been hired by Family Health International to develop a drug strategy for Cambodia, and was also working with the Soros Foundation's Drug Policy Program to write a regional strategy. I was living the exciting life of an International Consultant and Global Health Advocate.
My 20s had been action-packed: I had founded an non-profit (at age 23), worked for the City government as the first Youth Advocate Mentor (age 24) and then co-founded an international youth advocacy network called Youth RISE that received global acclaim (age 26) and provided me with the opportunity to travel and work in somewhere between 15-20 countries (I honestly lost count) before settling in Cambodia.
I wanted desperately to believe I was as great as everyone else thought I was - but I felt like a fraud.
I struggled with imposter's syndrome BIG time. In some ways, the 29 year old me wasn't much different from the 16 year old Caitlin. That was when I left my mother's house after a huge fight, moved in with a friend, worked 2 jobs while also trying to finish grade 11 (Junior year), all while trying to convince my guidance counsellors and teachers that I was okay.
As you can probably guess, I wasn't okay.
At 16, I blacked out for the first time, and then repeatedly. At 16, I was date raped at a party. At 16, I started using alcohol as a coping mechanism, as an escape, as a means for connection and intimacy (or so I thought), as a confidence booster, as the soothing balm that could so easily erase reality and quiet my troubled mind.
At 29, my relationship to alcohol wasn't that different. I was going through a divorce and lonely. I was in a career that no longer thrilled me even though I had worked so hard to "make it." I was living on the other side of the world, having effectively isolated myself from my friends and family back home.
I was drinking almost every night to cope with insomnia and anxiety, combined with a dangerous mix of pills including some of the same pills that lead to Heath Ledger's accidental overdose. I was regularly going out to party and drinking excessively to the point of blacking out.
I remember one morning, a few months before my 30th birthday, when I woke up mid-day next to a guy a vaguely remembered meeting the night before. He said my phone had been ringing but he wasn't able to wake me up. I glanced around the room and saw two empty cocktail glasses sitting in pools of condensation. I didn't own glasses like that, so where did they come from?? Then I realized we had walked right out of the after-hours with the glasses in our hands. And the missed calls?? From one of my contacts at the World Health Organization, a strategic partner for the contract I was working on, wondering why I wasn't at our 10am meeting.
I'm sure I don't need to try to find the words to explain how awful I felt - because you know , don't you? (You know because in some way you've experienced this shame before)
So why I am I sharing this now?
Well, I've had a few people ask me recently how "bad" my problem really was.
Did I black out?
Did I really struggle that much with alcohol?
Have I really come that far?
These are totally legit questions!
Potential clients want to know whether I've struggled in the same way they have.
Seeing me now - it's hard to imagine I once had such a problematic relationship with alcohol, isn't it?
Without the backstory, you might think that alcohol moderation comes more easily to me.
And to give you a totally current snapshot into what my current drinking looks like (because I know you're curious) in the past few weeks:
- While in New York City (formerly known as "Trigger City for me) I abstained from alcohol most nights but went out one night and had a glass of sangria with dinner and though there was a bottle of champagne open in front of me at the club, I probably only had a total 1.5 glasses (that would have been unheard of before!!)
- Last week on our little mini-vacay on our way back home, my partner and I went out for dinner and shared a bottle of red wine and I had no desire to keep drinking after that.
- On Sunday, we opened a bottle of white wine and each had a spritzer (half wine, half sparkling water) and, even though I had a few stressful days in the middle of the week, that bottle has sat untouched
- I often go an entire week, sometimes a lot more, without drinking anything or even thinking much about it.
This didn't happen overnight. It's been 5+ years since the situation I described above and has involved a complete and holistic life overhaul!!
I moved across the world, focused almost exclusively on self-care while I was trying to figure out what to "do" next, started taking all kinds of healing-focused courses, started teaching dance and fitness again, enrolled in the Institute for Integrative Nutrition and applied everything I was learning to my own healing and development, hired my own coach, took business courses and eventually changed careers, launched my business and wrote a both which, combined, are the biggest, most badass accountably mechanism ever because I literally have thousands of people helping me stay true to my intentions!!)
I've also spent over $20,000 in the past few years alone to get from "there" to HERE (investments in training, schooling, certifications, coaching, treatments, time-off from working to "find myself" again ;)
Does that mean that you have to do the same? Of course not.
In fact, I don't want you to have to spend many thousands of dollars or spend years trying to make the changes I did.
I want you to have the results you desire faster and more affordably.
I want for you to be able to redefine your relationship to alcohol, on your own terms!!
You see, what I now know is that going through what I did was necessary to truly define my MISSION.
From there, I was able to create a METHOD that has worked for me and dozens of others that I have worked with 1-1, and countless others who have read and implement the strategies in my book.
The next step? Create a MOVEMENT. It has already started but I want to give it more.
I want every person who intuitively knows there "must be another way" to have access to this information and support.
Exciting things are brewing so stay tuned!
On Monday I will be making an announcement about the direction we're heading and what it means for you :)
In closing, I want you to know how grateful I am that you're here, that you allowed yourself to be open to another way of living and that you read all the way to the end of this email ;)
Now I'm going to hit the send button before I talk myself out of it (yes, vulnerability is still scary for me).
Have a beautiful weekend and I'm so excited to be in touch again on Monday!!
xoxo
Do you have Social Anxiety?
This will be short and sweet! I'm currently developing a FREE mini course on socializing and networking while drinking less/not at all.
If this is something you've struggled with - I'd love your feedback. I'll be recording the videos this Thursday, so it's a bit time sensitive.
I'd love to hear:
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What to you need to know to mentally prepare for drinking less in a social event?
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What would be helpful to you BEFORE you head out?
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What about when you arrive at the event? What do most struggle with or find challenging?
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What would be helpful to know in terms of your interactions with other people / friends / dates / significant other?
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If you have implemented any strategies from my book or blogs, which ones have worked best for you?
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Anything else you'd like to know / see / share?
Feel free to answer any or all of these questions by hitting reply to this email by 12pm EST on Thursday, March 17th.
As a thank you, we can schedule an "ask me anything" / strategy session next week. This is available to everyone, even if you are a current client :) And of course, the mini-course will be available to you as soon as it's ready (hopefully by the end of the month!)
Let's Connect!
I am excited beyond words to be traveling to NYC again in exactly 2 weeks!!
While I was in NYC last (barely three months ago) I was invited to a networking event for Wellness professionals. The first woman I bumped into as I walked through the door was Monica Aparicio. She saw me clutching me book and said, “No way! I love that topic! I used to be a total party girl and now I organize health-related happy hours called The Lifestyle Lounge.”
Needless to saw, we immediately hit it off.
Don’t you love how life works? At an event in the middle of Manhattan where I knew not a single person - I met a woman so aligned with my experiences and current work! She told me about a bigger event she’s organising and invited me to be a speaker.
One, two, skip a few and here we are! The event is called Sustainable Success and I am so thrilled be a part of it! The entire focus of the day is on self-care for busy entrepreneurs - how amazing is that?
Unlike any other business conference, Sustainable Success is designed to support you from the inside out by giving structure to the invisible side of success.
Besides having a solid marketing plan and concrete systems, running a sustainable and successful business requires that you master the art of self;
Elevating your self worth and cultivating your confidence,
Breaking through limiting beliefs and up leveling your mindset,
And aligning to like minded people and Investing in resources to support your growth!
As a featured panelist speaker, I will be sharing with my best strategies for getting out of your own way, making more of your authentic self available, and finding freedom from alcohol - on your own terms!
I can’t wait to connect with you in person on May 22nd.
Complete with spotlight speakers, panelists, experiential learning, experts you can sit down with for 1 on 1 private consults and even a sound healing concert to ground you, Sustainable Success will give you the tools most business conferences don’t address.
If you’re ready to step into a bigger vision for yourself and your business, join the select number for entrepreneurs who will be coming together for an unforgettable day dedicated to setting the stage for lasting satisfaction and success!
Your ticket includes:
Breakfast yogurt parfaits brought to you by KIND bars
A full day of hands on presentations plus a lifestyle and business panel
Access to a marketplace of select vendors offering business and lifestyle resources
Healthy Snacks and Beverages
Optional yoga class during lunch*
Mini wellness treatments
An exquisite Sound Healing Concert experience
The Lifestyle Lounge Experience to network, mingle and sit down 1 on 1 with experts to receive personal attention and care
A digital goodie bag of FREE GIFTS to support you after the event is over
As you can see - this is an amazing wellness focused event that will benefit you so much, even if you don't completely identify with being an entrepreneur.
AND - because I'm so excited to meet you in person - I am organizing a very special Drink Less Be More / Sip Sister meet-up Sunday evening. This will be your chance to come meet me, get to know other women who are on a similar journey, have some in-person laser coaching, and make some amazing lasting connections.
I only have 10 VIP tickets available for the Sustainable Success event (a discount of almost 50%) and this event will surely sell out!! Once it does, those tickets are no longer available to me. I would also like to cap the meet-up at 10 ladies to keep it nice and intimate so that we can really get a chance to know each other. If you are in the New York area or would consider traveling to take part in this amazing event, let me know ASAP so that I can give you the code and you can get yourself (and your friends!) registered. Together we are stronger and I know some of your have been wanting ways to include your friends in this work. Just make sure to email me ASAP and I’ll send you the VIP code so that you can reserve your tickets.
If NYC is too far for you to travel this time around, fear not. I have some other exciting live events planned in the future, and you'll be the first to know.
In the next two weeks I will also be offering a series of free webinars to share some of the content from the Drink Less Be More Masterclass. This is also a great way to connect online with myself and our community. Stay tuned for that - more info coming your way on Monday!
Have a fabulous weekend!
xoxo
Nailed It
I'm not sure if you know this about me already, but I'm like a sponge for self-development.
I love it, I'm hooked on it, and I also see it as professional development. Bonus! This means that whenever I invest in another course (which is pretty much all the time because I'm always learning) I'm also investing in my business, and my clients and community also get to reap the benefits.
I'm currently taking a course called Infinite Receiving. The title is pretty self-explanatory... it's all about expanding our capacity to receive. We have daily dares and a few days ago, the dare was to use this reframe: Instead of downplaying all of the great things you do in a day, claim them and end the sentence with the words: NAILED IT.
This seems to simple but it's so powerful. I see women downplaying their accomplishments way too often. Or, finding the one little thing to criticise about something that is otherwise awesome.
Three times this past week, I opened up emails from three different clients that had the subject line using the word FAIL in it. WHAT!?! The body of the message included many great changes and different choices they had made, yet it was what they did wrong that they were focusing on.
I caught myself doing the same thing yesterday when I watched the sneak preview of a video I'm in to promote the upcoming launch of my business mentor's course (more on that soon). Instead of praising myself for the wise words I shared, for my poise on camera, for how great my hair looked, for showing my energy and personality on camera... I immediately started thinking about how annoying my voice sounded. (Not what I was saying... just the actual sound of my voice) WHAT!?!?
Thankfully I had accepted this dare a few days before and I immediately switched how I was talking to myself about it. That on-camera interview: NAILED IT!!
I shared this with our Facebook group and there was a really great response.
One person shifted their perspective from "I haven't reached my weight loss goal yet" to "I've lost 9 pounds already, nailed it!"
Another shared "I've worked through 2.5 hours of emails I've been putting off, now I have relaxing ME time planned - nailed it!!"
And another "Instead of focusing on the things I'm not doing great yet, I'm choosing to focus on all of the healthy choices I HAVE made recently - nailed it!"
Isn't it fun? Don't you feel better just reading these? I sure did. And if you are feeling overwhelmed and in a stuck place and not sure what you are nailing... if anything? (I know this can be tricky, similarly to how finding things to be grateful can be hard when you are feeling really down on yourself.)
Try this:
Got out of bed this morning - nailed it.
Read this email (which is a form of taking action on my health) - nailed it.
Thinking about change, which means acknowledging some uncomfortable truths about myself - nailed it.
Making myself a cup of tea instead of pouring a second glass of wine - nailed it.
Stocking up on healthy alternatives - nailed it.
So tell me, what have you nailed this week?
xoxo
Ugh... crash and burn... now what?
It happened. After such a wonderful high from finishing my manuscript (yay!! Drink Less Be More to be published next month!!) and starting off my "supercharged September" with vigour, intaking new clients, new collaborations, whirlwind visits in Canada, a professional photoshoot for my book cover, studying and writing the final exam for my advanced coaching certification, aaaaand being a super-mama to my almost-11month old daughter who is going through a sleep regression phase, then a week of travel to finally make it back to my home in Southern Mexico... I crashed.
Like, meltdown couldn't hold back tears state of total emotional and physical exhaustion kind of meltdown. Meltdown like my basic problem solving / rational skills where gone. Meltdown like I had to stop myself from totally spiralling out of control by remembering all of the self care tools I talk about with my clients kinda meltdown. Meltdown like all of a sudden my commitments felt like too much, I felt guilty about not sending my blog last week (though I know you weren't holding your breath, right caitlin? And don't worry, those juicy revelations are still coming this Friday ;), like all I wanted to do was curl-up in a fetal position on the floor kinda meltdown.
I won't go into the details as they aren't really important. A lot of it can be summed up by the fact that this is my "deep work:" my pattern of taking on too much, overcommitting myself, and putting way too much pressure on myself. It runs deep and is almost ever-present. I am getting a lot better at catching myself in the pattern, at saying no, at taking sips rather than gulping at life and opportunities but it is a new way of being I must learn and remind myself of.
Just like you, dear one. I know we're in this together, which brings me comfort. We're committed to unlearning the patterns that brought us to the point of wanting / needing to change, and writing new stories for ourselves.
I am committed to sharing this with you because I have a feeling you can relate. Another aspect of my "deep work" is the need to appear perfect, like all is well, always.
The fear bubbles up.... if I share this, you're going to think I'm incompetent. My clients who read this are going to question my abilities. The people who are thinking about working with me are going to have doubts.
I've come to listen to the fear. It is usually a signal that something is worth doing. We don't get to do the deep work without pushing through the fear that usually protects us from going deep. From showing up and being real and raw and vulnerable and human.
I've also come to appreciate these meltdown moments because they are usually an important indicator that it's time to check in with myself about my self-care habits and rituals. It's probably not surprising to you that some of my most important rituals had fallen by the wayside recently.
These are the rituals and habits that keep me grounded and more able to handle the ups and downs that life inevitably throughs my way.
1) A non-negotiable morning routine: This is the basis of almost a whole chapter in my upcoming book. Starting the morning with a solid self care routine is one of the #1 factors that highly successful people state they do daily. This includes "you time" ie if you have kids and / or a partner, it's even more important for you carve a little slice of time just for you. I recommend that your morning routine be holistic and nourishing for your mind, body and soul.
The focus on the mind/soul can include meditation and/prayer, practicing gratitudes, journaling on desires or intentions, mindfulness or self-compassion practices.
The focus on the body can include starting your day with an alkalizing water + lemon, a cup of herbal, green tea or yerba mate, a nutritious and alkalizing green juice or smoothie, stretching, yoga, a walk in nature, a bubble bath (to start the day, what a treat!).
The key is to find a few of these practices that work well for you, and make them a priority no matter what. Even if it means getting up 30 minutes earlier (you might also try going to bed 30 mins earlier - we'll get to that in a bit).
When you start each day with intention and focus on self-nourishment - you are more likely to make decisions with clarity and calm, feel prepared for the unexpected, and welcome more abundance and awesomeness.
My morning routine was only half there with so much travel, different accommodation, and exhaustion. I am recommitting to the mind/soul aspect of my practice. What can you do right now to change your morning routine to a more nourishing one caitlin?
2) Call in an SOS: There's a reason why I have an extra 20 minute session built into my monthly coaching program for my clients. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball, have a fight with family or a partner, or you suddenly find yourself completely overwhelmed (or any combination of these things and more). Having a safe person(s) you can call and express your raw, uncensored feelings to is so important. Sometimes the very act of reaching out and saying "I'm feeling like sh*t right now, I can't cope, I need help" can help you feel less along.
This also allows us to feel our feelings without stuffing them, or turning to food, alcohol or even more business to hide the pain. Feel and deal, as they say. The first has to happen before the second is possible.
Yesterday I put the call out to 3 people. As soon as I gave myself permission to have these feelings and share them, the weight started lifting.
Who can you call for an SOS caitlin? Make a list of at least 3 people, more if possible. People are busy and it's great to know there's more than one person you can call in case of a meltdown moment. If you need support in this area, respond to this email and let me know.
3) Follow through / keep your word: This is a biggie. In times of overwhelm and pre-meltdown, you might start to feel things slide. You miss an appointment. You don't respond to emails. You have outstanding bills. You change your mind about a commitment you've made, but instead of being honest about it, you avoid the situation all together.
From the outside, this makes sense. If you aren't able to show up for yourself, how can you be expected to show up fully for other people?
The problem is that leaving things undone creates an underlying anxiety that will keep you feeling stuck and unable to work on the deeper healing that's needed. It is emotional baggage that weighs you down.
Set aside 1 hour of time, and follow through on everything you've left slide. This doesn't mean you have to say yes again to everything you've committed to. It means being honest about what you can do. If you've changed your mind or are too busy / overwhelmed / financially stretched / fill in the black - let the other person know. If you've missed an appointment or cancelled yet again on coffee with a friend, write to them and let them know that you are sorry that you can't follow through right now.
Is there anything you've left hanging? Any amends that need making? Any bills left unpaid? Set aside an hour THIS WEEK to take care of these things. Trust me, you will feel better, lighter, and will create more energetic and emotional space for your own healing.
4) A nourishing bed-time routine: Just as important as starting your day with intention, is ending it with intention. The following are some steps to take to ensure peace of mind and healing sleep:
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Turn off cell phones, social media and tv at least 30 minutes before bed - though an hour before is ideal.
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Do a "brain dump" - write down anything that's nagging at you, any of your major to-dos for the next day.
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Make amends - did you fight with your partner? Find a way to make peace before bed. My grandma always used to say, "never go to bed angry," and I try to live by that. If it's not possible to speak directly to the person you'd like to make amends to, write them a letter in your journal. You may or may not ever send it, but it's important to clear the energy around this. You might want to revisit this during the hour you've set aside for the step above.
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Self-care - tea, cacao, bubble baths, stretching, candles, self-massage, gentle music, meditation, guided meditations / visualisations, the list does on. Again, the key is to find what works for you to let go of your day and prepare yourself to sleep. You might need to start preparing yourself for bed earlier than you are used to.
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If you are someone who relies on a glass of wine or three to unwind at the end of the day - the step is particularly important. Really spend some time exploring what alternatives will work for you. If you aren't able or wanting to cut wine out completely, try cutting down on the quantity - such as from 3 glasses to two, or from one glass to half a glass.
Also try to drink your wine earlier in the evening and not right before bed. I also go into this in a lot more detail in my upcoming book, but drinking alcohol right before bed disrupts your sleep cycle and though you might feel like you are shutting off your brain and falling asleep more quickly - you will actually sleep more fitfully and wake up more tired.
These are my top tips for dealing with overwhelm and impending meltdowns. We are creatures of habit and creating solid routines and rituals are crucial for our health. We are also social creatures, so having a support system and following through on our social bonds and commitments are equally as important for your well-being.
What are your favourite strategies for coping with overwhelm or meltdowns? Have I missed anything here? Let me know!
As always, can't wait to hear from you.
xoxo
7 Strategies for Avoiding Blackouts (that don't involve quitting alcohol)
“The last thing I hear is my heels, steady as a metronome, echoing through the lobby. And then there is nothing.
This happens to me sometimes. A curtain falling in the middle of the act, leaving minutes and sometimes hours in the dark. But anyone watching me wouldn’t notice. They’d simply see a woman on her way to somewhere else, with no idea her memory just snapped in half.”
Sarah Hepola, author of Blackout: Remembering The Things I Drank To Forget
When I first read the above passage from Sarah Hepola’s new book Blackout: Remembering The Things I Drank To Forget it gave me the chills.
I have had more blackouts that I can count. For me, blackouts were the ugly, scary end result of “too much fun.” The irony is that too much fun led to shame, regret, and grief … an aching sadness over significant periods of time “lost” with no means of recollection.
Many of my clients come to me with similar experiences. Blackouts are listed as one of the worst negative consequences of their drinking. For many women the goal is learning how to manage their alcohol so that they can go out, drink, have a great time and remember every second of it.
Blackouts seem to start at a blood alcohol content of around .20, and women often reach that level quicker than men, which means that we are more prone to blackouts. Why does this happen?
In her article “Anatomy of a Blackout,” Julie Beck writes that women have less alcohol dehydrogenase in their guts—an enzyme that helps break down alcohol. The effect: a woman will likely absorb about 30% more alcohol into her bloodstream than a man of the same weight who has consumed an equal amount. Women also have less free-floating water in their bodies than men do, and since alcohol disperses in body water, we maintain a higher concentration for longer. Simply put, if you are going shot for shot with a dude at the bar, you are going to get way more wasted, and be much more likely to blackout.
The Canadian Centre for Substance Abuse describes low risk drinking as no more than 3 drinks a night for women, and 4 drinks a night for men. I used to think this was “crazy low” - something concocted by the fun police rather than put in place to provide sound health recommendations. But the more I researched, I realized the guidelines are not meant to oppress women and take away our freedom to drink as much as men. And as Drinkaware.uk writes, “It’s not sexism, it’s biology.”
While it’s hard to know the exact number of women who suffer from blackouts because so many go unreported, recent studies of college students show that 1 in 4 students who drink alcohol will experience a blackout.
To counter this, here are 7 strategies you can try so that you might not have to quit drinking altogether.
7 strategies:
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Set a clear intention before going out: How many drinks are “too many?” We know that you definitely don’t want to drink more than 4 in the span of 2 hours which is the fastest way to a blackout …Try limiting your drinks to the recommended amount of 3 drinks a night. If you know that 3 drinks obscures your judgment so that you coincidentally forget your best laid plans … then drop it to 2. The key is the pick a number that keeps you from crossing the line to the point of no return.
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Eat something: Alcohol is absorbed through the walls of the stomach very quickly. The less that’s in there, the faster it will enter your bloodstream and the more quickly your blood alcohol content will rise. Eat before your drink and the alcohol will drip into your body's systems, rather than flooding them. Try eating a meal with healthy fats, such as avocado, salmon, chia, olive or coconut oil, as fats take the longest to digest and will stay in your stomach longer.
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No pre-gaming: Find another ritual to get you pumped and feeling confident for your night out. Pounding alcohol before hitting the bar is a sure fire way to have your BAC escalate quickly and for you to lose count of how much you are drinking.
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Arrive and assess: Instead of being on autopilot and automatically ordering your usual drink when you get to the bar, try ordering something non-alcoholic first. Try a juice mixed with mineral/seltzer water. Assess the situation, see how you’re feeling and wait about 30 minutes before ordering your first drink.
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Try the 2x1 rule: We've all heard about alternating one alcoholic drink with a non-alcoholic drink. If you really want to change your habits and break out of your blackout behaviour, try two non-alcohol drinks in-between every alcoholic one. You will be forced to drink slower and you'll be getting the benefits of extra hydration.
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No shots or doubles: This might seem obvious but shots and doubles are one of the fastest ways for your BAC to rise quickly. If you "have to" do a shot every once and awhile, make sure you chase it with a non-alcoholic drink and give yourself some time before the next one.
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Buddy up: It's hard for many of us to keep ourselves accountable. If we keep our intentions to ourselves, we are more able to talk ourselves out of them. Do you have a friend you could talk to about this? Finding an accountability buddy and telling them your intentions will help you stay on track.
It’s also important to do the inner work necessary to avoid repeating the same cycles. If you have experienced a blackout in the past, and have lingered feelings of shame, regret, embarrassment or sadness, give yourself some extra love and forgiveness. Reach out, share your story with a trusted friend.
If you are a friend on the receiving end and hearing of someone else's blackout, make sure to offer them safety, non-judgment and support instead of laughing it off or minimizing it.
We know that by stuffing these feelings, we will only keep setting ourselves up for the kind of artificial release that comes with alcohol, then we drink too much again to escape brain chatter or pain, and the cycle continues.
Are you committed to breaking this cycle? Which strategy will you try?
Have you ever had conversations with friends about blackouts? Please forward this info to them ... let's work together to make this less of a taboo topic!
Cheers to clarity and crystal clear memories,
xoxo