Do you belong to the cult of busy?
I really wanted to touch on a theme that become so glaringly obviously to me during my last 2 month long trip in Canada.
I’m sure you’ve seen many other articles or blogs in the past couple of years about the so-called “cult of busy:" the normalization of being too busy all the time, wearing busy-ness like a badge of honour and making it a part of our daily identity.
If you are a member of this cult, you’ll know the common answer to the question “how are you doing?” is something along the lines of “crazy busy! Oh, you know, swamped. Like, so busy. There’s just so much going on right now.”
I felt like I was extra sensitive to it this time round. Maybe it’s because by “normal” standards, my life in Mexico isn’t that busy. Busy-ness certainly isn’t celebrated in the same way. My busy-ness is here is actually met with scepticism and concern, because it goes against the grain of the reasons why most foreigners chose to live in this chilled-out beach town. People here are busy doing things they enjoy: surfing, spending time with family, reading books… just like retired people are busy with their social activities. It’s a different kind of busy, a soul-satisfying kind of busy that differs from the “cult of busy” I’m referring to here.
I also feel particularly sensitive to other people’s busy-ness in relationship to this precious time in my daughter’s life. I am so acutely aware of how quickly time is passing, how fast she is growing, and that she’s only going to be a baby for so long.
Good friends proclaimed they were just too busy, couldn’t make the time, or could we squeeze in a visit during a 30 minute lunch break, or combine it with a power walk? I was keenly aware of the impact of these words. I felt sad. Not so much for me, but for the fact that they were missing out on such a beautiful experience to share with me and my daughter.
Then what hit me even deeper was that it was like a mirror to my own entrenched experience in the cult of busy that has only recently begun to shift (and as you read in the last newsletter, I still struggle with taking too much on). I realized I was also sad for myself, the part of me that had missed out on experiences like this in the past.
It wasn’t so long ago that living life in a chaotic whirlwind, only just managing tiny increments of time for the things that ultimately should matter the most: family, connected friendships, new life, relaxation, creation. I kept myself so busy that I know that I damaged relationships. This again is why I was so sensitive to this behaviour in others, because it was an insight into how some people in my life must have felt around me. When I was so deeply embedded in my self-imposed mania, I didn't see how hurtful my actions were to the people that were closest to me.
I was curious as to where term “cult of busy” came from, and it turned out it was coined by author Scott Berkun. He writes, “When I was younger I thought busy people were more important than everyone else. Otherwise why would they be so busy? I had busy bosses, busy parents, and always I just thought they must have really important things to do. It seemed an easy way to see who mattered and who didn’t...This is the cult of busy.”
Yet for me the drive to busy-ness is often about something deeper for many of us women. It can be tied into our feelings of self-worth and value, yes, but it is also a way of keeping us so distracted.
It’s a way of numbing ourselves to feelings of loneliness, disappointment, pain, and anxiety. We keep ourselves excessively busy for the same reasons that we drink alcohol, binge eat food, or move quickly from one relationship to the next, never allowing ourselves time to really just be with ourselves.
I also know that when I was entrenched in busy-ness, the only I ever gave myself permission to turn off or slow down was when I was either drunk or hungover. Rabbi Elise Goldstein eloquently writes: for many of us, our busyness is a drug, and we use it dangerously. We overprogramme on purpose. We stretch ourselves to prove something. If we are brutally honest with ourselves, we will admit that often we use our excessively hectic schedules to escape ourselves. To escape the one thing we strive to cope with over these holy days: our inner life, our minds, and our spirits.
What about you? Does any of this feel familiar to you?
If you find yourself spread too thin, missing time with close friends or family, or answering the question “how are you?” more often than not with something to do with how busy you are - try some of these tips.
Reframe your response
We all get busy sometimes. Have a looming deadline for work? Say so. Inadvertently overschedule our week? Offer an apology and acknowledgment that you are stretched too thin. You can also try shifting your language using the following suggestion from Laura Vanderkam’s article in the Wall Street Journal.
Instead of saying "I don't have time" try saying "it's not a priority," and see how that feels. Often, that's a perfectly adequate explanation. I have time to iron my sheets, I just don't want to. But other things are harder. Try it: "I'm not going to edit your résumé, sweetie, because it's not a priority." "I don't go to the doctor because my health is not a priority." If these phrases don't sit well, that's the point. Changing our language reminds us that time is a choice. If we don't like how we're spending an hour, we can choose differently.
You may decide not to say “this isn’t a priority” outloud - but it can be a really great indicator of what is going on inside.
Is it a "hell yes?"
Ask yourself… is this a “Hell Yes??” If it is, then go for it. If not, then consider prioritizing differently.
Chose quality over quantity
Do you really need to go to every event you get invited to? Are all of your acquaintances bringing something meaningful into your life, or are you saying yes to your boyfriend’s sister’s boss’s birthday because you don’t want to be home alone on Friday night?
Log your time
If you are really confused about where all your time is going, and to help gain clarity around how you are spending your time, it can be helpful to log your time spent doing different activities. Are you really as busy as you think? Are there areas of your life that can be readjusted in order to prioritize self-care and connection? In her article in LifeHackers, Janet Choi recommends connecting your attention and action with a time audit. “Break down how you spend time on the computer with RescueTime. Or see how you answer the questions of "What did you get done today?" and "What did you pay attention to today?" over time using iDoneThis.”
Be revolutionary
Creating a new normal and going against the grain can be tough sometimes, especially when you are surrounded by SO. MUCH. BUSY-NESS. I used to brag that the reason I accomplished so much at such a young age was because I didn’t sleep. I now make a point of emphasizing the things I do for self-care. I communicate my desire to free up more time, rather than fill it. And I’m honest about when this is a struggle and when I’ve fallen back into the time-trap.
Together we are strong, right? Let’s create a new normal together…
Is the cult of busy really one that you want to be a member of? What about the cult of revolutionary self-care and connection?
Are you with me? Let me know in the comments if you are. I’d love to hear one action you will be taking (or have already taken) to make more room for presence in your life.
I’ve also included a chapter with even more strategies on this topic in my upcoming guide: Drink Less, Be More. Pre-sale info will be coming soon - are you excited!?! I am!! I can’t wait to share it with you.
Cheers a relaxing weekend ;)
xoxo
Ps. I have a new instagram account dedicated to Drink Less, Be More! Follow for daily inspiration, yummy drinks and lifestyle tips. Find me at @drink.less.be.more
Ugh... crash and burn... now what?
It happened. After such a wonderful high from finishing my manuscript (yay!! Drink Less Be More to be published next month!!) and starting off my "supercharged September" with vigour, intaking new clients, new collaborations, whirlwind visits in Canada, a professional photoshoot for my book cover, studying and writing the final exam for my advanced coaching certification, aaaaand being a super-mama to my almost-11month old daughter who is going through a sleep regression phase, then a week of travel to finally make it back to my home in Southern Mexico... I crashed.
Like, meltdown couldn't hold back tears state of total emotional and physical exhaustion kind of meltdown. Meltdown like my basic problem solving / rational skills where gone. Meltdown like I had to stop myself from totally spiralling out of control by remembering all of the self care tools I talk about with my clients kinda meltdown. Meltdown like all of a sudden my commitments felt like too much, I felt guilty about not sending my blog last week (though I know you weren't holding your breath, right caitlin? And don't worry, those juicy revelations are still coming this Friday ;), like all I wanted to do was curl-up in a fetal position on the floor kinda meltdown.
I won't go into the details as they aren't really important. A lot of it can be summed up by the fact that this is my "deep work:" my pattern of taking on too much, overcommitting myself, and putting way too much pressure on myself. It runs deep and is almost ever-present. I am getting a lot better at catching myself in the pattern, at saying no, at taking sips rather than gulping at life and opportunities but it is a new way of being I must learn and remind myself of.
Just like you, dear one. I know we're in this together, which brings me comfort. We're committed to unlearning the patterns that brought us to the point of wanting / needing to change, and writing new stories for ourselves.
I am committed to sharing this with you because I have a feeling you can relate. Another aspect of my "deep work" is the need to appear perfect, like all is well, always.
The fear bubbles up.... if I share this, you're going to think I'm incompetent. My clients who read this are going to question my abilities. The people who are thinking about working with me are going to have doubts.
I've come to listen to the fear. It is usually a signal that something is worth doing. We don't get to do the deep work without pushing through the fear that usually protects us from going deep. From showing up and being real and raw and vulnerable and human.
I've also come to appreciate these meltdown moments because they are usually an important indicator that it's time to check in with myself about my self-care habits and rituals. It's probably not surprising to you that some of my most important rituals had fallen by the wayside recently.
These are the rituals and habits that keep me grounded and more able to handle the ups and downs that life inevitably throughs my way.
1) A non-negotiable morning routine: This is the basis of almost a whole chapter in my upcoming book. Starting the morning with a solid self care routine is one of the #1 factors that highly successful people state they do daily. This includes "you time" ie if you have kids and / or a partner, it's even more important for you carve a little slice of time just for you. I recommend that your morning routine be holistic and nourishing for your mind, body and soul.
The focus on the mind/soul can include meditation and/prayer, practicing gratitudes, journaling on desires or intentions, mindfulness or self-compassion practices.
The focus on the body can include starting your day with an alkalizing water + lemon, a cup of herbal, green tea or yerba mate, a nutritious and alkalizing green juice or smoothie, stretching, yoga, a walk in nature, a bubble bath (to start the day, what a treat!).
The key is to find a few of these practices that work well for you, and make them a priority no matter what. Even if it means getting up 30 minutes earlier (you might also try going to bed 30 mins earlier - we'll get to that in a bit).
When you start each day with intention and focus on self-nourishment - you are more likely to make decisions with clarity and calm, feel prepared for the unexpected, and welcome more abundance and awesomeness.
My morning routine was only half there with so much travel, different accommodation, and exhaustion. I am recommitting to the mind/soul aspect of my practice. What can you do right now to change your morning routine to a more nourishing one caitlin?
2) Call in an SOS: There's a reason why I have an extra 20 minute session built into my monthly coaching program for my clients. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball, have a fight with family or a partner, or you suddenly find yourself completely overwhelmed (or any combination of these things and more). Having a safe person(s) you can call and express your raw, uncensored feelings to is so important. Sometimes the very act of reaching out and saying "I'm feeling like sh*t right now, I can't cope, I need help" can help you feel less along.
This also allows us to feel our feelings without stuffing them, or turning to food, alcohol or even more business to hide the pain. Feel and deal, as they say. The first has to happen before the second is possible.
Yesterday I put the call out to 3 people. As soon as I gave myself permission to have these feelings and share them, the weight started lifting.
Who can you call for an SOS caitlin? Make a list of at least 3 people, more if possible. People are busy and it's great to know there's more than one person you can call in case of a meltdown moment. If you need support in this area, respond to this email and let me know.
3) Follow through / keep your word: This is a biggie. In times of overwhelm and pre-meltdown, you might start to feel things slide. You miss an appointment. You don't respond to emails. You have outstanding bills. You change your mind about a commitment you've made, but instead of being honest about it, you avoid the situation all together.
From the outside, this makes sense. If you aren't able to show up for yourself, how can you be expected to show up fully for other people?
The problem is that leaving things undone creates an underlying anxiety that will keep you feeling stuck and unable to work on the deeper healing that's needed. It is emotional baggage that weighs you down.
Set aside 1 hour of time, and follow through on everything you've left slide. This doesn't mean you have to say yes again to everything you've committed to. It means being honest about what you can do. If you've changed your mind or are too busy / overwhelmed / financially stretched / fill in the black - let the other person know. If you've missed an appointment or cancelled yet again on coffee with a friend, write to them and let them know that you are sorry that you can't follow through right now.
Is there anything you've left hanging? Any amends that need making? Any bills left unpaid? Set aside an hour THIS WEEK to take care of these things. Trust me, you will feel better, lighter, and will create more energetic and emotional space for your own healing.
4) A nourishing bed-time routine: Just as important as starting your day with intention, is ending it with intention. The following are some steps to take to ensure peace of mind and healing sleep:
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Turn off cell phones, social media and tv at least 30 minutes before bed - though an hour before is ideal.
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Do a "brain dump" - write down anything that's nagging at you, any of your major to-dos for the next day.
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Make amends - did you fight with your partner? Find a way to make peace before bed. My grandma always used to say, "never go to bed angry," and I try to live by that. If it's not possible to speak directly to the person you'd like to make amends to, write them a letter in your journal. You may or may not ever send it, but it's important to clear the energy around this. You might want to revisit this during the hour you've set aside for the step above.
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Self-care - tea, cacao, bubble baths, stretching, candles, self-massage, gentle music, meditation, guided meditations / visualisations, the list does on. Again, the key is to find what works for you to let go of your day and prepare yourself to sleep. You might need to start preparing yourself for bed earlier than you are used to.
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If you are someone who relies on a glass of wine or three to unwind at the end of the day - the step is particularly important. Really spend some time exploring what alternatives will work for you. If you aren't able or wanting to cut wine out completely, try cutting down on the quantity - such as from 3 glasses to two, or from one glass to half a glass.
Also try to drink your wine earlier in the evening and not right before bed. I also go into this in a lot more detail in my upcoming book, but drinking alcohol right before bed disrupts your sleep cycle and though you might feel like you are shutting off your brain and falling asleep more quickly - you will actually sleep more fitfully and wake up more tired.
These are my top tips for dealing with overwhelm and impending meltdowns. We are creatures of habit and creating solid routines and rituals are crucial for our health. We are also social creatures, so having a support system and following through on our social bonds and commitments are equally as important for your well-being.
What are your favourite strategies for coping with overwhelm or meltdowns? Have I missed anything here? Let me know!
As always, can't wait to hear from you.
xoxo
What is normal?
This desire to feel “normal” with our relationship to alcohol is something I hear so often, so I know I’m not alone in this feeling.
I used this sentence in my last blog post (see below) and it triggered a heartfelt response from one of my best friends.
“Caitlin,” she said, “when I read that I felt like what you were saying is that I’m not normal, which implies that there’s something wrong with me.”
She was also quick to remind me of a webinar we had listened to where the host kept talking about “normal people,” distancing herself and other “problem-drinkers” from people who didn’t have a perceived problem with alcohol.
This is actually language I hear often from people in recovery-based programs. There are the “normies” and then there are those in recovery. I remember how odd it felt when I was introduced to someone through a dear friend and former heroin user who actually said, “Are you a normie or one of us?”
On the one hand, I understand this form of othering. When you are part of the minority, the 10-15% of the population who suffer strongly from addictions, it is a form of finding community and solace. “We might be weird/strange/different/addicts and have a set of experiences that no one who hasn’t been an addict can understand, but at least we’re in it together.”
I also can totally understand where my clients are coming from when they say, “I just want to drink like a normal person.”
When I hear “normal” I know what my clients really mean is not overthinking it, not debating internally over whether to have a third glass, not stuffing the fear that you might lose control, not using alcohol as a substitute for something else.
Normal means average, standard, keeping with the status quo.
It means how we perceive others when we are at a restaurant and see someone ordering one glass of wine, or splitting a bottle between two people but declining the third partial glass. It means how we view that new girl we meet at a party who totally knows she’s done after 3 drinks. It means watching some leave their cocktail half empty after last call and doesn’t rush to the bar for for “one more for the road.”
But is it really so clear cut? For those of us slightly outside of the “norm” described above… does that make us abnormal?
The reality is that many more of us fit into the spectrum between what is considered normal drinking and problematic drinking - the difference is that we don’t talk about it. It’s not socially acceptable to say that we might have a problem, precisely due to this fear of “othering.” The idea that if you have a problem with alcohol you must be an alcoholic, or you must choose sobriety as your only option, is often what prevents many people from getting support.
The black/white idea has been perpetuated by more traditional approaches to addictions… even so far as creating the concept of denial. You are either an alcoholic, or you’re not. You have a problem, or you don’t. But if you have a problem and aren’t able to admit you're an alcoholic, then you must be in denial.
Unfortunately, this idea keeps a lot of people from seeking support, or looking for alternatives. As Dr Joseph Nowinski, a psychologist, researcher and author of “The Almost Effect” writes in his Psychology Today article The myth of the “fine line” separating normal from problem drinking:
“So when men or women whose drinking might place them fairly deep into this zone argue that they are not alcoholics, they may not be in "denial." That's not to say that these people are not experiencing behavioural emotional, or physical problems related to their drinking; but the truth is that they are not yet dependent on alcohol, and abstinence may not necessarily be the only viable option open to them.”
Which is where my work comes in - supporting women to find options that are meaningful and relevant to their unique lives and experiences.
It is also where the challenge of “naming” what we experience or desire becomes a bit more difficult. I was describing this challenge to a new member of my team last night - saying that I feel like I have to use a lot of words to describe what I do.
This brings us back to the question of how to define our drinking in terms of the ideal, in terms of the changes we want to make.
My friend suggested “healthy” vs “unhealthy” drinking… which probably has a less stigmatizing effect than normal vs abnormal.
I often coach clients to talk about the changes they’d like to make in terms of their health… when you tell others you are changing your drinking because you want to be healthier - it is harder to argue, whereas speaking in terms of “problems” with alcohol can be quite triggering to others.
What do you think?
What about searching for other adjectives that represent how you want to feel about alcohol such as balanced, independent, collegial, fun, unattached, flirtatious, casual?
For me, the ideal is definitely casual. We see each other every once and awhile, but it’s no biggie. Alcohol’s not what I turn to when I’m sad, in need of support, feeling lonely or wanting to have a wild time. I now know how to access these things without alcohol.
It is so important to get clear on what you want your relationship to alcohol to be. Without this clarity, it is almost impossible to work towards a goal. Imagine training to run a marathon, and expecting to finish without a map or a even knowing where to cross the finish line?
What is your ideal relationship to alcohol? What adjective would you use to describe this goal? Let me know in the comments!
Did this blog resonate with you? Can you imagine a larger conversation where it would become more comfortable to discuss these ideas without fear of judgement?
Please share this with someone you’d like to loop into the conversation, let’s start creating a groundswell :)
And make sure to open next week’s email which will be about the cult of busy, lost friendships and some interesting/hard revelations from my time in Canada (yep, I’ll be on the plane back to Mexico next week!)
xoxo
Two revealing moments and a confession
This past week was an important one for me - there were two moments that hit me with such a profound sense of gratitude and awareness of the new me, the new normal I had created for myself, the sense of contentment and ease that I feel deep into my inner most self.
The first was the morning after an annual event that happens in my hometown, called the Blackberry Festival. I woke up early, energized, bright eyed, took in the incredible view in front of my mom’s house and all of a sudden the sensation of how different I was feeling that morning compared to the morning after the festival two years ago overwhelmed to the point where I felt stunned for a moment.
The second moment was the photoshoot I did last night for my upcoming book. I was feeling a bit awkward getting started - I haven’t worn heels for awhile and I was feeling kind of wooden. My photographer kept prompting me: connect with the feeling Caitlin. What do you want your readers to know that you are feeling? Everything you are feeling on the inside will show in your eyes, in your face.
Suddenly I was able to sink into the feeling: bold, confident, sassy, clear, aware, sensual, satisfied… as I began swaying my hips to the music, twirling, strutting, playing… It hit me.
I really am that person. I wasn’t playing a part, pretending to be the version of myself I wished the world would see but that I didn’t quite feel on the inside. That is me.
You see, almost exactly two years ago I was still grasping. I was in one of the most “triggering” places for me to be: lonely (on a break from my now boyfriend and baby daddy), in transition (working as a waitress while studying health coaching), about to take a risk (leaping into running my own business and announcing to the world that I was going to work with women and alcohol).
What most people don’t know is that I was using alcohol, often and a lot, to get through that time. From the outside I seemed like a woman with a plan and a purpose, confident in her self-exploration. Inside I was scared and feeling lesser-than.
Two years ago I was drinking champagne in the afternoon to get comfortable in my photoshoot for my current website - yes, this one that shows people who they can be if they redefine their relationship to alcohol. This is a hard one for me to confess - I still struggle with my own feelings around needing to hide what I perceive as flaws and weaknesses.
Two years ago I was still using alcohol to find intimacy and comfort, to assuage the fear of failure, to quiet the self-doubt. I woke up after the Blackberry festival two years ago, after an after party that didn’t end (because I didn’t want it to), with a guy I was only superficially into and with pounding headache.
Worse was than the headache was the the heartache - I was breaking my own heart because I was still stuck in old patterns of coping - and the cognitive dissonance I was experiencing (the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioural decisions and attitude change) was becoming hard to live with. (Next month I will write about my final catalyst moment, in celebration of two years drunk-free… so stay tuned for that!)
Fast forward to this week - where I enjoyed the festival without needing the night to continue into alcohol-fuelled adventures. Where the life I have created is so fulfilling and brings me so much joy that I want to be present for every moment of it. Where I woke up feeling satiated.
To last night at the photoshoot, where I realized that I wasn’t posing, I wasn’t pretending to be confident - I was, and am. We poured a half of a glass of wine at the end of the shoot and I drank the wine like a “normal” person.
Having another half a glass of wine with our sushi dinner felt normal. It also felt normal when arriving back to my friend’s house a teeny bit buzzed (I’m a lightweight now) and he offered me another drink, I said, “no thanks.” No internal debate, no struggle, no weighing pros and cons. No chasing the adrenaline high from the photoshoot, looking for more. I knew how I wanted to feel, and I knew that the amount I drank was enough. It was enough because I am now so full of myself, so fully enough to myself, that I don’t really need more of anything to feel wonderful.
This desire to feel “normal” with our relationship to alcohol is something I hear so often, so I know I’m not alone in this feeling. One of the first questions I ask during my initial consultations (I still have some times available) is “What is your desired relationship to alcohol in 6 months to a year?”
“I want to have one glass of wine and not have it lead to more.”
“I want to enjoy a cocktail every once and awhile with the confidence that it won’t lead to a crazy night and blackouts.”
“I don’t want to have that internal dialogue anymore."
“I don’t want to feel shame around having a drink or two every once and awhile.”
“I want to feel normal.”
The reality is that the majority of us can achieve that “normal” relationship with alcohol. Studies show that of all the people that try alcohol (or any other drug for that matter) only 10-15% will ever experience addiction. That means that most of us can learn how to moderate, if that is what we chose.
Though alcohol is so pervasive in our culture, moderation is a skill that many of us are not taught. We are forbidden to drink it and then turn to it in excess. We tend to have this all or nothing attitude. We aren’t taught how to have a healthy relationship with alcohol and if we do develop a problem, we are not given many options on how to deal with it.
Some choose sobriety and that’s great. Yet many others I speak with want to redefine their relationship to alcohol, shift their baseline to a new normal, and get to know themselves better in the process. The good news is, this is possible for the majority of us!
It is possible to feel so full of yourself that you know you are enough. That you don’t need any more to feel confident, at ease, or truly happy… Where having a glass of wine is like the icing on an already delicious cake, but you could take it or leave it because you are already satisfied. The key is to discover a new recipe where wine (or your alcoholic beverage of choice) isn’t one of the main ingredients.
The past two years of my life have been some of the most challenging, and some of the most rewarding. In addition to my own journey into deeper self-awareness, acceptance, and love - I have supported many other women to do the same.
I want this for you too! Whatever the vision of your “new normal” is - I believe is it possible for you, and it will be far from normal - it will be exceptional.
I’ve opened up a few more times in my calendar to connect. My schedule is almost full but I love these conversations so much that I’ve decided to offer a few more opportunities for us to talk. If you haven’t yet scheduled a time to do so, click here.
xoxo
7 Strategies for Avoiding Blackouts (that don't involve quitting alcohol)
“The last thing I hear is my heels, steady as a metronome, echoing through the lobby. And then there is nothing.
This happens to me sometimes. A curtain falling in the middle of the act, leaving minutes and sometimes hours in the dark. But anyone watching me wouldn’t notice. They’d simply see a woman on her way to somewhere else, with no idea her memory just snapped in half.”
Sarah Hepola, author of Blackout: Remembering The Things I Drank To Forget
When I first read the above passage from Sarah Hepola’s new book Blackout: Remembering The Things I Drank To Forget it gave me the chills.
I have had more blackouts that I can count. For me, blackouts were the ugly, scary end result of “too much fun.” The irony is that too much fun led to shame, regret, and grief … an aching sadness over significant periods of time “lost” with no means of recollection.
Many of my clients come to me with similar experiences. Blackouts are listed as one of the worst negative consequences of their drinking. For many women the goal is learning how to manage their alcohol so that they can go out, drink, have a great time and remember every second of it.
Blackouts seem to start at a blood alcohol content of around .20, and women often reach that level quicker than men, which means that we are more prone to blackouts. Why does this happen?
In her article “Anatomy of a Blackout,” Julie Beck writes that women have less alcohol dehydrogenase in their guts—an enzyme that helps break down alcohol. The effect: a woman will likely absorb about 30% more alcohol into her bloodstream than a man of the same weight who has consumed an equal amount. Women also have less free-floating water in their bodies than men do, and since alcohol disperses in body water, we maintain a higher concentration for longer. Simply put, if you are going shot for shot with a dude at the bar, you are going to get way more wasted, and be much more likely to blackout.
The Canadian Centre for Substance Abuse describes low risk drinking as no more than 3 drinks a night for women, and 4 drinks a night for men. I used to think this was “crazy low” - something concocted by the fun police rather than put in place to provide sound health recommendations. But the more I researched, I realized the guidelines are not meant to oppress women and take away our freedom to drink as much as men. And as Drinkaware.uk writes, “It’s not sexism, it’s biology.”
While it’s hard to know the exact number of women who suffer from blackouts because so many go unreported, recent studies of college students show that 1 in 4 students who drink alcohol will experience a blackout.
To counter this, here are 7 strategies you can try so that you might not have to quit drinking altogether.
7 strategies:
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Set a clear intention before going out: How many drinks are “too many?” We know that you definitely don’t want to drink more than 4 in the span of 2 hours which is the fastest way to a blackout …Try limiting your drinks to the recommended amount of 3 drinks a night. If you know that 3 drinks obscures your judgment so that you coincidentally forget your best laid plans … then drop it to 2. The key is the pick a number that keeps you from crossing the line to the point of no return.
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Eat something: Alcohol is absorbed through the walls of the stomach very quickly. The less that’s in there, the faster it will enter your bloodstream and the more quickly your blood alcohol content will rise. Eat before your drink and the alcohol will drip into your body's systems, rather than flooding them. Try eating a meal with healthy fats, such as avocado, salmon, chia, olive or coconut oil, as fats take the longest to digest and will stay in your stomach longer.
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No pre-gaming: Find another ritual to get you pumped and feeling confident for your night out. Pounding alcohol before hitting the bar is a sure fire way to have your BAC escalate quickly and for you to lose count of how much you are drinking.
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Arrive and assess: Instead of being on autopilot and automatically ordering your usual drink when you get to the bar, try ordering something non-alcoholic first. Try a juice mixed with mineral/seltzer water. Assess the situation, see how you’re feeling and wait about 30 minutes before ordering your first drink.
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Try the 2x1 rule: We've all heard about alternating one alcoholic drink with a non-alcoholic drink. If you really want to change your habits and break out of your blackout behaviour, try two non-alcohol drinks in-between every alcoholic one. You will be forced to drink slower and you'll be getting the benefits of extra hydration.
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No shots or doubles: This might seem obvious but shots and doubles are one of the fastest ways for your BAC to rise quickly. If you "have to" do a shot every once and awhile, make sure you chase it with a non-alcoholic drink and give yourself some time before the next one.
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Buddy up: It's hard for many of us to keep ourselves accountable. If we keep our intentions to ourselves, we are more able to talk ourselves out of them. Do you have a friend you could talk to about this? Finding an accountability buddy and telling them your intentions will help you stay on track.
It’s also important to do the inner work necessary to avoid repeating the same cycles. If you have experienced a blackout in the past, and have lingered feelings of shame, regret, embarrassment or sadness, give yourself some extra love and forgiveness. Reach out, share your story with a trusted friend.
If you are a friend on the receiving end and hearing of someone else's blackout, make sure to offer them safety, non-judgment and support instead of laughing it off or minimizing it.
We know that by stuffing these feelings, we will only keep setting ourselves up for the kind of artificial release that comes with alcohol, then we drink too much again to escape brain chatter or pain, and the cycle continues.
Are you committed to breaking this cycle? Which strategy will you try?
Have you ever had conversations with friends about blackouts? Please forward this info to them ... let's work together to make this less of a taboo topic!
Cheers to clarity and crystal clear memories,
xoxo
How to be accountable
Gretchen Rubin, self-professed happiness expert and author of many books on the topic of happiness, describes habits as the invisible architecture of everyday life, and a significant element of happiness. In her book, Better than Before, she describes the strategies we can exploit to change our habits, including… you guessed it!
Accountability!!
Gretchen also explains that not everyone will respond to the same kind of accountability, because some people are more responsive to private accountability, and some of us respond better to public accountability.
I am definitely a public accountability kind of gal - an example of this is declaring certain intentions on Facebook or in certain group forums for school. However, I appreciate a mix of public and private because there are certain details I prefer to keep to myself or between a small, select group. You will find the combination of accountability strategies that works before for you - the key, as always, is to put them in place and take action on them.
Find your Sip Sister
Long before I even knew what a health coach was, let alone began studying to be one, I found a friend who became my accountability buddy in redefining my relationship to alcohol. We created a shared google document, and used it to write our intentions, be honest about our challenges, and seek support from one another. We called each other “sip sisters.” Our goal was to learn how to drink in moderation, try out periods of sobriety, and mostly to have a great time without going overboard. Learning how to “sip” seemed like a good metaphor for drinking in moderation, it denotes the ability to slowly savour and enjoy rather than suck back drinks like there’s no tomorrow.
Here are some of the qualities you will want to look for in a Sip Sister:
Non-judgemental - Look for someone who has the ability to be empathetic, understanding and caring. This one might seem like a no-brainer, but what does non-judgemental mean to you? For example, if you have different goals, one person simply wanting to drink less, and the other trying to be sober, it might difficult to understand the other person’s choices.
Shared experiences and goals - It will help your Sip Sister to be non-judgemental if you have similar experiences and goals in mind. Finding someone who also wants to explore the “Drink Less Party More” philosophy is a good starting place.
Firm but loving - Sip Sisters are honest and direct in their feedback and observations, and loving in their delivery. You know that you can count on them to “tell it like it is” while doing their best to show you that you are loved and supported no matter what.
Responsible and resourceful - Your Sip Sister should be good at keeping commitments, showing up for scheduled check ins, sending you texts / reminders when you need it etc. It is also a great help if your accountability buddy helps you find new solutions if you find yourself slipping or repeating the same patterns.
Other accountability strategies:
Talk is cheap - take action
Create specific blocks of time where you are going to put your intentions into action. Set aside 10 minutes a day to practice your gratitudes, brags and desires. Get clear on your intentions by scheduling 30 minutes at the beginning of each week to journal. Remember, as my business mentor Marie Forleo always says, “If it’s not scheduled, it doesn’t exist” - so make sure to actually put these time slots into your calendar.
Set Reminders
Technology can be your best friend at times. I absolutely love setting reminders in my phone that give me a boost during the day or night. If I feel like I’m heading into a situation that might be particularly challenging, I set a reminder for myself with words of encouragement.
Alternatively, if you’d prefer to take a techno-break, consider a good luck charm or amulet. It can be in the form of a bracelet, ring or another accessory that you can easily see. Write down your intentions in your journal, and state clearly what the charm will remind you of. Then, every time you see the charm, you will be reminded of your intentions for yourself.
Give yourself a reward
How will you feel after a month of sticking to your intentions? Pretty great, right? And think about all that money you will have saved from spending less money on drinks every week.
Consider setting a monthly or even weekly reward for yourself as an incentive to stick with your intentions. How about a massage, spa date, concert, or weekend getaway? After a month of sticking to your intentions, you deserve it!
Start a Sip Sister Play Group
I read somewhere that you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with. Understandibly, not all of your friends might be on board with you new intentions for drinking. However, there may be more people than you think in your life who are willing to give it a try.
This group could be online (Facebook groups are great for this, and you can set the private to “secret” if you want to keep in confidential), or in person. I have a dream that someday soon there can be Sip Sister meet-ups in every city!
Host a Drink Less Party More meetup
If you are a public accountability kinda gal, be bold! Make your intentions public by announcing your desire to drink less while still having as much fun as possible, and getting the most out of life! Set up an event, be clear about your intentions in the event invite, and as others to join in.
If you’d like an advance copy of #Drinklesspartymore: How to have a great night (and life!) without getting wasted, make sure to sign up to my mailing list and send me a message saying "yes please!" and I’ll make sure you get one! Free!
Which one of these strategies will you use to stick to your intentions? Have I missed one of your favourite accountability strategies? If so, let me know in the comments.
Can't wait to hear from you,
xoxo
5 Tips for Staying Cool during Hot Summer Celebrations
Some of you will have (maybe) celebrated Canada day on July 1, others will be celebrating July 4th this weekend, and well, for everyone else not in Canada or the US, why not celebrate the beginning of July just for the heck of it??
I keep getting reports of how dang HOT it is in so many parts of North America, hotter even than where I am in Mexico!! So I thought it timely to post my top tips for staying hydrated while having the most fun ever. This will be short and sweet aka less reading, more playing.
Here are my 5 top tips for staying cool amidst the steamy celebrations.
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Hydrate with H2O: This is one thing you do want to overindulge on! Try infusing water with mint, basil, slices of cucumber, strawberries, rose petals, lemon or lime, and of course, plenty of ice to keep it cool (warm water with slightly fermenting floaties = not cool)
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BYONAB: A slightly longer acronym but oh so important!! Bring your own non-alcoholic beverage, and make it delicious!! N/a mojitos and spritzers are my favourite.
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Two to one: If you are choosing to drink alcohol, drink two non-alcoholic beverages in between each alcoholic one. This is where your infused waters, spritzers and mojitos come in handy. Plus, if you are switching it up but don’t want anyone to know you are drinking less, how are they going to tell the difference if it’s the same pretty drink in your hand, minus the booze?
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Sip it: When it’s hot out, it can be tempting to chug down a refreshing beverage, forgetting that it’s full of alcohol. If you are drinking alcohol, sip it slowly or make sure it has extra ice so you aren’t tempted to down it quickly.
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Eat something: Summer picnics and BBQs are full of food, but sometimes the heat can kill your appetite. Don’t forget to snack through the afternoon and evening to slow the absorption of alcohol. Proteins and healthy fats take longer to digest and therefore will stay in your stomach longer.
That’s all for now, my beauty!! Please share these tips with your friends … so we can all enjoy savvy, sassy (not sloppy) summer good-times.
xoxo,
Why Bingeing Is Bad For Your Body and Brain
Does this story sound familiar? Maybe it’s you - maybe someone you know...
For the most part, you take it easy with the alcohol. A drink or two with dinner, possibly a nightcap after a long day, but nothing excessive (because you don’t want drinking to interfere with your busy work life or productivity, right?) That is, until the opportunity arises. You time it perfectly - usually on a weekend - no immediate work responsibilities the next day. You’ve been saving up for this all week- and when you let go, you go hard.
Work hard, play hard - right? After all, you deserve it.
Then the next day, you’ll drink a green juice, hit the gym, sweat it out and be back to normal. Maybe.
Maybe not.
New research shows this type of drinking (aka bingeing) is bad for your brain, and it might not be for the reasons you think.
Yes, there are the immediate consequences that we’re all aware of: the pounding head, the fogginess, the underlying nausea. Those are symptoms that can be treated fairly quickly, leading us to feel like we’re back to “normal” quicker than we actually are.
However, as research on binge drinking has begun to show, all is not so.
But first, what exactly constitutes binge drinking? I know I certainly never applied the term to myself - though in retrospect I definitely fit within the definition.
The National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism defines binge drinking as a pattern of drinking that brings a person’s blood alcohol concentration (BAC) to 0.08 grams percent or above. This typically happens when men consume 5 or more drinks, and when women consume 4 or more drinks, in about 2 hours. (A drink would be a small glass of wine or beer, or a cocktail with 1 oz of alcohol.)
As you can see, it’s quite easy to ingest that amount of alcohol, or more, during a big night out. What’s more, is that if you are anything like me, it didn’t stop at one night.
There would be brunch the next day, then maybe a happy hour, drinks with dinner, and another night out, followed by another brunch on Sunday… In short, a lot of alcohol over a short span of time.
I used to think that by Monday I could be back to normal again, but research shows I was mistaken. Now, I’m not usually one for scare tactics - but the more I started researching this, the more I felt like I needed to share.
Dr. Jonathan Chick, of the alcohol problems service at the Royal Edinburgh hospital and the chief editor of Alcohol and Alcoholism, says his research shows that “humans who have a few heavy drinking sessions in a row may sometimes undergo subtle brain changes which make it harder to learn from mistakes and to learn new ways of tackling problems because their brain function has been subtly impaired."
Another interesting study, conducted by two identical twin brothers Chris and Alexander van Tullekens who also happen to be doctors, was the focus of a recent BBC Horizon special.
Alexander drank 3 units of alcohol daily, whereas Chris consumed the weekly amount of alcohol in a span of 24 hours, four times (weekends) in a month. The aim was to see how the same quantity of alcohol affected the body, given the difference in the way it was consumed.
Chris reports feeling his experiment would be easier. He thought he would deal with a day or two of hangover, and then feel great the rest of the week. The results, however, showed otherwise, “My levels of cytokines and interleukins, those key markers of inflammation, were raised. I'd expected them to be sky high after the first binge - but six days later, just before I was about to start the second binge, they hadn't gone down at all, and at the end of four weeks they'd soared.”
Well, there goes the idea that a week off in between a big binge is enough to clear the system. He continues, “I felt good but my body was still damaged from the binge. Inflammation is linked to a vast array of diseases from cancer and severe infection to heart disease and dementia. This was not a good result.”
How exactly does that happen? Well, when inflammation is triggered and refuses to turn on, the body starts thinking it is under attack, and floods your system with white blood cells. Your immune system becomes drained, and then the body has a hard time warding off other illnesses. This means that even a common cold virus or bacterial infection can cause a greater risk.
I used to wonder why I’d become rundown and why it always seemed like I was always fighting a cold … this definitely explains why. Yet as a young, resilient and generally quite healthy person, I used to feel quite invincible. So what if I’d get colds more often than others? It’s wasn’t going to kill me. But now, I realize the reality of my drinking habits and how they could be contributing to much more serious consequences such as cancer and brain damage is a much more, dare I say it, sobering thought.
In a NIAA publication on alcohol and Alzheimer disease, Dr. Suzanne Tyas writes that while there is still more research needed on whether alcohol use can be a predictor for Alzheimer’s, it is proven that some of the detrimental effects of heavy alcohol use on brain function are similar to those observed in Alzheimer’s disease. Heavy drinking accelerates shrinkage, or atrophy of the brain, which causes neurodegenerative changes … in other words, brain damage. Ugh.
Dr. Fulton T. Crews, professor in the Department of Pharmacology and Psychiatry at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill adds, “there are a growing list of studies that suggest that even short term binge drinking can have long term effects.”
But before you spiral into a doom and gloom reasoning like “Well, if I’ve already damaged my brain then what’s the point ... I may as well continue boozin and at least have fun” - let me stop you right there. That kind of fatalism will get you nothing more than a foggier brain with less functional brain cells, and a body rife with inflammation.
See, regardless of your past, there is hope! The good news is that, unlike Alzheimer’s and terminal cancer, you can turn this around. Studies show that the atrophy of brain cells decreases after abstinence from alcohol, and what we know from many cancer survivors is that adopting an “anti-inflammatory lifestyle” can reduce or halt the progression of inflammation-induced ailments. Does it mean you have to give up alcohol forever? No. Does it mean making some lifestyle changes? Yes, of course. But trust me, your brain and body will thank you for it.
Tips for cutting back:
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Take a break: Try a period of abstinence. My friend Jina Schaefer, who leads regular 40 day alcohol free challenges on Facebook, recommends giving yourself a little over a month to press reset and really look at your relationship to alcohol.
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Stick to the recommended daily amount. As someone who is a bit “authority adverse,” (okay, a lot) this is a tough one for me. “What do “they” know? My tolerance is great!” Sound familiar? Well, just because I could hold my alcohol didn’t mean it wasn’t harming my body and brain. The government guidelines are there for a reason. The reason isn’t a Big Brotherish buzzkill, it’s because drinking more than the recommended amount has been shown to have serious health risks. So ladies, that means no more than 4 standard sized drinks in the span of 4 hours.
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Pace yourself (bye bye bingeing): Alternate one alcoholic drink with two non-alcoholic drinks. Experiment with different drinking behaviours. If you feel like you want to treat yourself to one or two drinks during the week so that you aren’t saving up for the big blowout on the weekend, try that. As Dr. Dr Michael Wilks says, "Saving up your weekly units so you can drink them all on a Friday night is not the way to interpret the government's advice."
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Be anti-inflammatory: This is a biggie, and involves more than just cutting back on alcohol. The “work hard play hard” lifestyle often puts stress on our system in a myriad of ways, and we now know that stress is inflammatory as well. Strive to achieve a bit more balance, get 30 minutes more sleep a night, enjoy restful, relaxing and rejuvenating activities like yoga, meditation, swimming, walking in nature, and eat a plant-based and nutrient dense diet. If you do have a big night out, reconsider reaching for a burger the next day and try a green juice, root veggies or salad instead (all anti-inflammatory). Most importantly - don’t beat yourself up!! If anything, pamper yourself more.
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Take 5 (or 10) Find ways to take mini-breaks, or as my friend Katie Corcoran calls them, “hustle breaks” (if you missed our conversation last week, click here). Break the binge behaviour by allowing yourself pleasure play dates throughout your days and weeks, so that you don’t feel the need to go “all out” on the weekends. Surround yourself with beauty, have fresh flowers at your day and remind yourself to smell them, keep floral aromatherapy scents on hand to get you out of your head and into the moment, take dance or spin classes … do anything that gives you the opportunity to get out of your head and into your body.
One final thought. For those of us women who push ourselves hard, too hard sometimes, alcohol becomes the permission slip… the hall pass that allows us to check out for awhile. For me and I’m sure this is the same for a lot of us,I drank to excess to escape from my overwhelmed brain, then I’d spend my only day off curled up in fetal position … this was the only way I knew how to give myself permission.
And now, my downtime is vital to my ability to recharge. My body and brain are better for it, and I can guarantee that yours will be too.
Have a friend who could use this info? Please pass it along!
I’d love to hear your biggest takeaways in the comments! How does bingeing show up in your life and how can you bring in more balance instead?
xoxo
Lady Hustle + #drinklesspartymore
Have you ever had the feeling that you just needed to “get out of your head” and stop your thoughts for awhile?
Are you an extrovert who loves to party but doesn’t always know when it’s too much?
Do you hustle hard but find you need to play harder to release the stress?
Do you ever feel like you just want to get lost in the music?
Or you know there are other ways to relieve stress but you “just don’t have the time?”
If you answered yes to any of these questions - fear not, you aren’t alone. In fact, both of us (my guest--lifestyle coach, Katie Corcoran--and me) have struggled with these very same issues … Which is what prompted us to get together and share this chat with you as we seek to find ways to thrive in our hustle but to do so using healthier alternatives to the 'hustle n' binge' behavior familiarly found in our busy lifestyles.
Both alumni from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, we connected online and realized that there were a lot of parallels in our work, personalities and lives as we strive to find ways to thrive in our hustle.
In this video, we discuss:
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why lady hustlers become programmed to work hard/play hard
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why bingeing can actually be harder on your brain and body in the long term
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how adding more pleasure and fun into your life will actually help offset your binges
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how to get out of your head and into your body
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why it’s important to take hustle breaks
You’ll also hear our thoughts on why water is just plain boring and what you can order instead … and other strategies to drink less, that actually work!
Finally, we introduce you to the idea behind the #drinklesspartymore movement, and why sharing with your friends will make this a heck of a lot more fun than doing it alone.
One small note - I’m calling in from my house in Mexico, and the video is a little pixelated. Stick with it! We promise the content will be well worth your patience!
When you complete the video, we’d love for you to put your newfound learnings into action! We’ve all tried to think our way into different behaviours, but as you know, creating new habits requires action, and practice.
Did you like this video? If so, we'd love for you to rise on up by taking action and...
- Sharing this video with a #drinklesspartymore buddy
- Tell us what #drinklesspartymore strategy you're going to integrate in your life. What kind of fun adventures will you have in your daily life sans booze?
xo Caitlin & Katie
Your Wallet Will Thank You For It
Last week I had a meeting with the young co-founder of Cabaret Design, an up and coming social media marketing firm, Josh Kallmeyer.
We were discussing the whole concept behind “Drink Less, Party More” and how to get the message out to more people (stay tuned for this – some exciting new initiatives coming your way soon!)
“I love the concept,” he said to me. “I love to go out but personally don’t like to drink, and my wallet thanks me for it!”
I hadn’t really ever heard someone so young put it that way before. I thought to myself … Wow, yeah, there’s a reason this guy is seeing so much success (both financially and in terms of recognition) at such a young age. He’s focused, with his eye on the prize, and he knows where he wants to invest his money--on growing his business and not on something so fleeting as drinks at the bar.
He’s figured out something before his early 20s that took me about a decade longer to get a handle on.
From a purely financial standpoint drinking alcohol equals money down the drain, quite literally.
A recent article on Time.com showed that by going out a couple of times a week, and drinking moderately, you could easily end up spending around $7,000 a year.
(This is, of course, dependent on where you live … it could be less, but it also could be a lot more).
Now, what if you don’t like to go out, but prefer a glass of wine to unwind at the end of the day? Let’s say that you buy on average one $10 bottle of wine a week. That’s $520 a year right there, that’s probably on the very low end, assuming you only ever drink inexpensive wine at home and never buy drinks when you’re out.
Either way you look at it, it adds up. It adds up to the extent that I refuse to do the math on how much money I’ve spent over the years – I prefer to be in the dark about the actual amount (yes, I’m still in denial).
I’m now acutely aware of how that denial exists in others as well. I frequently hear from clients or friends, “I can’t afford that” or “I have no money.” During discovery sessions, financial challenges are one of the number one struggles that many bring up with me. Yet these same people are often unwilling or just not ready to look at the hard truth around how much money they are spending on booze that they could be spending elsewhere, like on quality organic food, fresh flowers, spa treatments, massages, personal development (ahem coaching!) and more.
I remember watching Gabrielle Bernstein, best-selling author of A Course in Miracles and Spirit Junkie, talk about how she replies to comments that a daily fresh juice “habit” is expensive. “When I stopped drinking, I realized how much money I was saving by not buying alcohol. One or two fresh juices a day is still less expensive than the cocktails I was drinking before, and way healthier for me in the long-term.”
Instead of wallowing in the past choices I made and how much money I spent ...
When I asked Josh (young start up co-founder) around whether abstaining from alcohol had ever been an issue in the development of his business, he replied that he hadn’t encountered it as an issue, and if it was, he would question whether these were really the people he wanted to be collaborating with in the first place.
Clearly, it’s only as much of an issue as we want it to be. Using the excuse, “I had to drink with the investor/client/boss, etc” may be more of an excuse for yourself to drink than you care to admit. Because when you find other ways to connect, network or impress … ways that are more aligned with your health, financial success will soon follow.
However, you don’t have to quit drinking altogether for your wallet to thank you, (though obviously you’d get the biggest THANKS if you did).
Cutting out just one or two drinks a week could save you between $500-1000 a year.
And if that’s not motivation to cut back, I don’t know what is!
Start making a list now of the wonderful treats you’re going to spend these savings on. Rewards make the process of drinking less alcohol all the more sweeter, wouldn’t you say?
Share your list in the comments, I'd love to hear. And if you'd like to schedule a time to talk, feel free to book that here.
xoxo,