Nailed It
I'm not sure if you know this about me already, but I'm like a sponge for self-development.
I love it, I'm hooked on it, and I also see it as professional development. Bonus! This means that whenever I invest in another course (which is pretty much all the time because I'm always learning) I'm also investing in my business, and my clients and community also get to reap the benefits.
I'm currently taking a course called Infinite Receiving. The title is pretty self-explanatory... it's all about expanding our capacity to receive. We have daily dares and a few days ago, the dare was to use this reframe: Instead of downplaying all of the great things you do in a day, claim them and end the sentence with the words: NAILED IT.
This seems to simple but it's so powerful. I see women downplaying their accomplishments way too often. Or, finding the one little thing to criticise about something that is otherwise awesome.
Three times this past week, I opened up emails from three different clients that had the subject line using the word FAIL in it. WHAT!?! The body of the message included many great changes and different choices they had made, yet it was what they did wrong that they were focusing on.
I caught myself doing the same thing yesterday when I watched the sneak preview of a video I'm in to promote the upcoming launch of my business mentor's course (more on that soon). Instead of praising myself for the wise words I shared, for my poise on camera, for how great my hair looked, for showing my energy and personality on camera... I immediately started thinking about how annoying my voice sounded. (Not what I was saying... just the actual sound of my voice) WHAT!?!?
Thankfully I had accepted this dare a few days before and I immediately switched how I was talking to myself about it. That on-camera interview: NAILED IT!!
I shared this with our Facebook group and there was a really great response.
One person shifted their perspective from "I haven't reached my weight loss goal yet" to "I've lost 9 pounds already, nailed it!"
Another shared "I've worked through 2.5 hours of emails I've been putting off, now I have relaxing ME time planned - nailed it!!"
And another "Instead of focusing on the things I'm not doing great yet, I'm choosing to focus on all of the healthy choices I HAVE made recently - nailed it!"
Isn't it fun? Don't you feel better just reading these? I sure did. And if you are feeling overwhelmed and in a stuck place and not sure what you are nailing... if anything? (I know this can be tricky, similarly to how finding things to be grateful can be hard when you are feeling really down on yourself.)
Try this:
Got out of bed this morning - nailed it.
Read this email (which is a form of taking action on my health) - nailed it.
Thinking about change, which means acknowledging some uncomfortable truths about myself - nailed it.
Making myself a cup of tea instead of pouring a second glass of wine - nailed it.
Stocking up on healthy alternatives - nailed it.
So tell me, what have you nailed this week?
xoxo
Intentions don’t mean **** if you don’t have this
Time for some real talk here.
I was speaking with someone during a strategy session awhile ago. She mentioned that she had read my book, but that she was having a hard time following through on her intentions for herself. She would set a plan in her mind, but ultimately at the end of the night or the next day, she found herself back here she didn’t want to be, having drank too much and paying the consequences. As we discussed the specifics, it became clear to me that there was an important part of the equation that was missing… can you guess what it is?
I’ll give you a hint. Starts with an "A" and ends with "ILITY"…
Yay! You got it.
Accountability.
You see, having solid accountability systems in place is often what separates “good intentions” and intentions followed through on and achieved.
Now, it’s really important for me to clarify something.
One of my big motivators for doing this work is because I needed it. And still do.
(You know the ol' adage - teach what you have to learn? Very true for me)
I am a work in progress.
I am not perfect.
Sometimes I let myself down.
Sometimes I can be really good at talking myself out of doing the thing that I know is best for me.
You might think that I’ve got my shit together all of the time. I don’t.
You might think that alcohol moderation is easy for me all the time. It’s not.
Almost exactly two years ago I was in New York.
Six months prior, I had set my intention to never get drunk again. I had tried periods of abstinence and was feeling pretty good about moderating.
But I hadn’t been in NYC and tried to moderate yet.
(My love affair with New York is about 5 visits strong. The city unlocks AAALLL of the wild child tendencies in me, and provides endless variety - something I thrive on)
In some situations, I did great. I was open about my intentions and the focus of the coaching practice that I was launching.
But in other situations, I let myself down.
I didn’t tell the people I was with exactly what I was doing and what my intentions were.
This was especially true when I was with old friends I used to party with a lot - and it was so easy for one glass of wine to turn into three, and then another specialty cocktail at the bar.
Was I moderating? Well, yes - compared to how I used to drink.
But was I staying true to my intentions and upholding my vision for myself?
Honestly - no. I wasn’t.
I lost my grip on the reality that I wanted to be living as I felt myneuroligicalresponse change under the influence of alcohol. I let alcohol be my permission slip again - to be “bad,” to stay out later than was good for me, and to have a few hookups that weren’t in my heart’s best interest.
EVEN THOUGH I was there for a health conference - I still ordered that extra drink I didn’t need.
EVEN THOUGH I knew I didn’t want to get drunk, I still said yes to an astronaut after11pm on a SUNDAY (If you've never heard of an astronaut, I won't be the one to introduce you to it. Let's just say was the last shot I ever drank).
EVEN THOUGH I had an early meeting on Monday in Brooklyn, I ended up chasing adventure from Brooklyn to Washington Heights in the wee hours of themorning, and missing the breakfast meeting
EVEN THOUGH I had an early morning flight on a Tuesday, I said yes to going to the Apothecary and trying artesian cocktails after a couple of glasses of wine at a friend’s house... which should have been enough but of course.... it never was.
As you are reading this it is likely that I have just touched down in New York.
I will be in the City That Never Sleeps for a series of events lined up to launch Drink Less Be More.
I am so excited to share this message with more people, and, I’ve gotta admit… I’m also a little nervous.
I’m going back into an environment where I lot of my triggers are lurking, and it’s going to be a challenge.
I could let fear dominate this time around and shadow my perceived ability to follow through on my intentions, but I won’t let it.
My intentions are to take the best possible care of myself, to get enough sleep (minimum 7 hours a night) and to be clear-headed, present and heart-wide open the whole time.
After careful consideration, I decided to set the intention of no alcohol for the entire time I’m here.
I shared my intentions with one of my best friends and she seemed surprised when I said I wasn’t going to drink at all. "Not even one?" She asked.
City that never sleep + a girl with a propensity to pile waayyyy too much on her plate and fill her cup until it runneth over (in all senses, literally and metaphorically) = lots of potential to fall out of intention.
How incredible to try this city alcohol-free? To explore all of the other options available to me.
I already know what it’s like to order a 20$ cocktail at the Hudson, to get giddy off of prosecco at the pier, to feel fuzzy after too many glasses of red at a wine bar on the Upper East Side, to shoot astronauts in Brooklyn (it's a shot), get drunk off of some random spicy homebrew at a speakeasy in the East Village, drink sickly sweet maraschino drinks at the Dominican joint in Queens, to share a bottle of Patron with on-duty parking lot attendants in SoHo (don't ask) and of course throw back rounds of the seemingly requisite mimosas at brunch.
I’ve never been to New York and sought juice over booze.
I’ve never sipped hand crafted jun mocktails.
I’ve rarely been to networking events completely sober.
I've never given myself the chance to feel confident without alcohol in the Big Apple.
I've never considered what kind of adventures and experiences may come my way once I stopped following the alcohol and started following my intuition.
It’s exciting, and unknown and feels like a challenge.
It’s what I need to do for myself now. I feel sure of it.
Here’s where the accountability piece comes in.
Last time ‘round, I didn’t have it. It was up to me and only me. This allowed me to be selective in my follow through.
I’ve already shared my intention to be alcohol-free in NYC in our private support group.
Now I’m making a declaration and holding myself accountability with you too.
So you see how this works?
It’s ongoing.
It’s a process.
It involves evaluating and re-evaluating.
It involves setting yourself up for success.
It’s not only about setting intentions, but developing the mindset that change is possible, and putting accountability systems in place.
I'm not suggesting you need to do this publicly.
The key is to find what works for YOU.
That person with whom you feel safe sharing.
A trusted confidant, best friend, lover, spouse, relative, therapist, coach... you decide.
The community where you can find like-minded and compassionate peeps.
Do me a favour and stop beating yourself up for not making change happen.
This *ish is hard, as they say these days ;)
No one should have to figure it all out alone.
Spend some time now thinking - what accountability strategy can you start TODAY so that things will be different?
Remember: Intention + action + accountability increase your probability of change.
If you'd like - write to me and let me know what your accountability strategy is. If you have any questions about this process - let me know!!
Change Is Scary
“I have to let you know… I’m really nervous.” This exact same sentence was repeated to me about 5 times this week as I did intake sessions with new clients.
“I know this is in my best interest, but I’m scared.”
“I’m nervous about changing and not knowing what the outcome will be, and I’m also nervous I won’t be able to change and will fail.”
“I don’t know what’s going to happen next, and it’s triggering a lot of fear for me.”
These are really common feelings and something that every single person I’ve worked with has gone through at some point. The nervousness and fear show up in different ways, such as saying yes (to a coach, therapy, accountability, a new intention, a break from alcohol, etc) and then talking yourself out of it, or procrastinating and waiting for the “right” time (there is never a right time). Sometimes the fear of change can keep you stuck in more of the same, even though you know that's not working so well for you.
Heraclitus famously quoted back in 400 A.C., “There is nothing permanent, except change.”
According to Darwin’s Evolutionary Theory: change allows organisms to better adapt themselves to their environments. Moreover, the better the organism is able to adapt, the higher the likelihood of survival.
If change is a fact of life, and not only a given but an evolutionary requirement, then why is it so scary sometimes?
This fear harkens back to our cavepeople days. Even though change is necessary for evolutionary survival, our human brains came to rely on certainty for survival. We knew the path to take to the water source that was less likely to cause harm. We’d take that same path because we knew sabertooth tiger lived on the other side of the mountain, because that path was less likely to flood, and because it was the fastest and surest way to go and avoid a rival tribe.
Our fear of change can also be traced back to our more recent history as children. If a change in routine signified something painful was going to happen, our brains became hardwired to associate change with trauma. As adults, we may come to associate change with loss.
According to Lifehacker’s article “Why are you so afraid of change and what you can do about it”:
“Sometimes change involves a significant loss, and our brains hate loss. When we invest ourselves emotionally in anything, it becomes harder to change because we don't want to lose all the time and effort we already exerted. As a result, we have a hard time letting go of a project we know deep down will fail. We also struggle to end doomed relationships because we're terrible at accepting the whole thing was for naught. In reality, time isn't wasted but our brains like to see the entire time as a loss rather than just a part of the inevitable conclusion.”
The fear and nervousness associated with redefining your relationship to alcohol is totally understandable. For many of us, our relationship to alcohol has lasted in some form or another for at least half of our lives, and for some of us, alcohol has been involved from more years than not. That’s a long time to rely on it for a certain outcome. Even though we know it might not be good for us or that our relationship is unhealthy, at least it is predictable, right?
“Breaking up” with alcohol, or seriously redefining the parameters of the relationship, can be just like any other break up - it’s hard!! And yes, it involves loss, grief, disappointment, and more.
You may be confronted with thoughts such as “what the bleep was I doing for so many years!?! I’ve wasted my life!!” Alternatively, you may grieve the desired feeling that alcohol brings and feel loss at never being able to feel that same way again.
While this is part of the process - it doesn’t mean that it’s easy. Here are some suggestions for “feeling and dealing.”
Feel the feels: The nervousness, the fear, the uncertainty, the confusion, the sadness… all of it. Know that it’s okay, and part of the process. Also know, that just like everything else, it’s temporary. Because why? You got it. The only constant is change!!
Permission to freak out: Take it one step further and freak the f*** out if you need to. Permission granted. Do what feels good to allow these emotions to move through you: cry, punch a pillow, scream, howl at the moon, curl up in fetal position, etc. Feel it but don’t fixate on this phase.
Accept the inevitability of change: Coming to a place of acceptance is essential for moving forward into the new and healthier you.
Flip your fears: Same as a coin, there’s always two sides (or more) to every scenario. Instead of dwelling on the fears of everything that could go wrong and all the ways life is going to suck now that you are making these changes and how hard it is going to be to relax, go to sleep, make friends, unwind after work, have sex, feel creative etc start thinking about the fact that the exact opposite could be true. What is the best case scenario? What is your most positive vision for who you will become as a result of these changes? Focus on that!
Take baby steps: If making a huge change feels overwhelming, start small. Focus on one things you can try to change this week and then once you are comfortable with that change, try something new next week. Sometimes the “all or nothing” approach can be a case of too much too soon - which is why it’s hard to maintain. Does having no wine on weeknights feel scary for you? Then how about trying one night with no wine this week, and see how that feels? Can’t imagine socializing without any alcohol? Cut out one drink, or two, and once you realize all of your fears don’t come true (it’s like that no one around you will even notice) try cutting back by a few more next week.
Get yourself ready for greatness: Sometimes change can be scary because you’re afraid of GOOD things happening. An article in Psychology Today explains: “Traumatic events, physical or emotional, can create such a powerful memory that it overshadows other important but evocative events. When strong emotional memories develop around the experience of happiness and a subsequent disappointment or pain—again, physical or emotional—then perceptual filters develop that contribute to avoiding opportunities for joy out of the fear that something bad lurks around the corner.”
You may also fear happiness because deep down, you feel you are unworthy, undeserving, or that your happiness will somehow elicit negative feelings from others.
It’s important to understand these fears and actively work to release the fear that might be preventing you from change.
Make a plan and get support: Change may be inevitable, yet that doesn’t make it easy all of the time. If you feel your anxiety, nervousness or fear is blocking you from making a change, then reach out for support. Talk about what’s coming up for you. Speaking the words out loud will help take the power out of the fear. We’ve got an amazing group of Evolver’s in the secret facebook community (more info below). Also, those who have had their free strategy session with me describe a huge weight being lifted after the first conversation. Change isn’t quite so scary when you have a plan. If you and I haven’t talked yet, book your session here.
I've love to know what resonated with you, whether you notice fear or resistance showing up for you in the way described in this post, and what tips work for you! Reply to this email and let me know!
xoxo
TIPS FOR SELF CARE
Do you find yourself feeling "spun out," filled with anxiety or having your brain blank out because of fear? One of the fastest way to ground yourself can be by using floral or plant-based scents or essential oils. These scents connect us to earth energy in a very grounding way and also stimulate the limbic system for a fast-track to a more pleasurable feeling. David Crow of Floracopeia suggests putting a few drops of lavender, rose, geranium or orange blossom oil into your palms, rubbing your palms together and cupping around your nose, and then inhaling deeply for a few breaths. This works wonders for an immediate and grounding "brain break."
I did this just the other day when I was feeling totally overwhelmed by something. I felt I couldn't deal and was about to have a major meltdown. I went into the bathroom, put some rose oil on my palms, did some deep breathing and immediately felt better. The amazing thing is I can't even remember what the initial anxiety was about!! Try it out and let me know how it goes!
How do you get your needs met?
Happy weekend!!
Have you ever had the experience of being frustrated when your intimate partner or a family member just doesn't "get it" and can't seem to anticipate your needs?
Or, getting so busy with outside commitments that you realize after a total meltdown that you've complete neglected your own needs for way too long? (In fact, you can't remember the last time you did something just for "you"... and no, drinking a bottle of wine doesn't count ;)
Learning how to get clear on what your needs are, communicate them to those around you, AND prioritize time to make sure your needs are getting met is so important for this journey of increased happiness and health that you've embarked on.
You know as well as I do what happens when your needs are ignored for too long. Self-care slides, then stress increases, your spouse might notice you're short-tempered or snapping more quickly, you find yourself craving the sensation of numbing out or turning off your brain.
The thing is, no one is going to do this for you. You have to be the one to step up and make sure you are taking care of your needs. You can ask for support (more on this later) but ultimately, it's your responsibility.
I thought I would share a couple of examples of how my clients are learning to prioritize themselves (names changed), and a recent example from my own life, with the hopes these will inspire you.
Penny is very out-going and loves to be social. Yet, on the other hand, she's a highly sensitive intuitive person. She's been working really hard setting up her coaching business while also working in alternative therapies. She gives a lot of energy to her clients and the people around her. This week is her birthday, and though it felt a bit "strange" for her to plan a trip by herself, especially with a long list of "shoulds" for her business launch, she decided to treat herself to a mid-week vacation out of the city where she is currently soaking up the gorgeous energy from being in the forest and immersed in nature. (Happy birthday!!)
Jennifer lives a very fast paced life in NYC. While she has a lot of both friend-based and work-related social engagements, she's learning that she is an introvert and needs plenty of time alone to recharge. She has started saying "no" to certain evening events that will drain her and also give her more temptation to drink. She's moving in with her boyfriend and learning to communicate aspects of her introverted nature to him (he's an extrovert). Next month, she has a trip out of state, a Board of Director's training, and has decided to stay an extra night by herself, even though she initially felt she "should" come back to the city to spend time with her boyfriend whom she will just have moved in with.
Anita works from home and has been having a hard time to feel motivated to do anything other than push through her day until it's time for the end of day reward: a glass (or 3) of wine. She lives alone and is only accountable to herself. When we first spoke, there were many things she wanted to be doing: exercising again, having more time for creative projects, acquiring new freelance clients, being more productive during her working hours, feeling less lonely. In addition to hiring me as her coach, she has also enlisted a personal trainer a couple of days a week and has let another friend in her building know that she wants an accountability buddy for the gym. They are planning set times to meet in the gym, on the days Anita doesn't have her training. She is also taking herself on "work dates" to get out of her house and treat herself to inspiring work environments around the city she lives in. (Really cool side note, Anita did a budget and realized how much money she's be saving by cutting out most of her wine-drinking, and is investing that money in the trainer and coaching).
Dinner feels like a chore for another new client, Christy. She admitted to me that she doesn't really like to cook but feel like she should, because if let up to her husband, they'd be eating McDonald's. Though she has a lot of responsibility with her position as work, she had started feeling that it was monotonous and that she was bored. Coupled with the drudgery she felt around planning dinner, her evening glass of wine while preparing dinner is quite a treat to look forward to. We brainstormed a list of things she could do between the end of her work day and dinner time, which included bike riding, playing outside with her daughter, taking the dogs for walks and maybe most importantly, having a weekly healthy meal delivery and switching off with her husband for the other weekday meals. She still decides what they eat, and gets the ingredients together, but he actually spends the time cooking while she can go out and enjoy other things.
When you start to get clear on what your needs are and start to have conversations with those around you about your needs, the easier it becomes to show up for yourself.
The more alternatives you can create for yourself, the less likely you are to reach for the easy answer (alcohol).
Sure, it takes a bit more work, in the beginning, to get clear on what the needs are that are hiding underneath the craving, but once you start being able to meet those needs in other ways - alcohol starts to lose its appeal. At the very least, it loosens its grip a bit and you have the added bonus of the outcomes of other needs being met.
Making sure your needs are getting met is on-going work for many of us... as women, sisters, daughters, mothers, helpers, service providers, caregivers, business owners...
Ideally, we get so good at talking about and communicating our needs that those around us start noticing whether or not we're meeting our own needs, and find ways to help us prioritize them.
This happened for me last night when, after dinner, my partner mentioned: "You haven't been dancing in a long time. Not since before you went to New York. All you do is work and spend time with Luna and do stuff in the house. What if you started going to dance classes again some evenings, instead of always being on the computer? Or, if you want to do things like go for a run in the morning, we can take turns with Luna" (Currently, I'm always with our daughter in the mornings while he goes surfing or for a run)
To be honest, I was more than a little surprised that he noticed. I've spent so much time in the past talking about how important dancing and movement is for me and I get thrown out of whack if I go too long without it - yet it's easy for me to forget this need I have, especially when I get wrapped up with my work (which I do love) and being a mom (which I also love). My guy has seen what happens when I de-prioritize my needs, and as stress builds and I become more anxious, my sleep deteriorates and I get crankier. The cool thing is that instead of it going that far and him becoming reactive to that behaviour, he's starting to recognize what to do proactively.
Communicating your needs to family members and friends can help serve the same purpose. Again though, coming back to the beginning on this post, you have to be the ones to tell them - you can't expect them to guess!
Now, I'd love to hear from you - what are you current unmet needs? What can you start doing differently to make sure these needs start getting met? Finally, what will be the positive outcome from making this shift?
Pick one thing today ... and then DO IT
Today's topic is simple. Pick one thing, and then DO IT.
It's easy to get overwhelmed.
It's easy to get lost in all of the "shoulds" and the enormity of the big picture vision that we forget just how simple and more easily digestible change can be when broken down into bite size pieces.
Think of your vision for yourself? If you could change just one thing this month, what would it be?
Now break it down further: what is one thing you can do differently, starting today, that will nudge you in that direction?
Don't get carried away!! Just think of one little thing. Doing this little thing will confirm to you that you can do things differently. You'll receive positive reinforcement and feel emboldened to take the next step.
So, what's your thing going to be?
I actually started mine two nights ago. I realized that I was feeling overwhelmed and putting a lot of pressure on myself. My goal this month is to ease up (again) and TRUST that the outcome will be what I desire. I also realized that I had let my evening ritual slide and was scrolling Instagram immediately before bed rather than using this time for affirming my intentions, desires, and positive visualizations.
My one thing was to delete Instagram from my phone.
Just kidding! I didn't do that. In fact, I still scroll a bit before sleep as I find it therapeutic and inspiring, haha.
What I'm doing differently is putting my phone away earlier (after my Insta-fix) and then spending 5-10 minutes journaling my desires, affirmations and intentions.
Then, filled up with all this good juju, I lay in bed and visualize it all coming to fruition. Sometimes I put on Chakra balancing meditation music or deep sleep delta wave music to help transition me into sleep.
The past two days I've woken up feeling calmer, with more faith, focus, and things are flowing more effortlessly.
You might chose to do something differently with your morning routine, drink one less drink a night this weekend or try an alcohol-free night, or try a new meditation or activity that will shake up your regular routine.
Just pick something, and do it! I promise you will feel better come Monday.
As always, I love to hear from you. Comment below and let me know what your "one thing" is - that would be wonderful!
Infinite gratitude for my clients and community
Twice in one day, I know, this pretty much NEVER happens. But I had to share. After one of "those weeks" last week (in a challenging way) - I had one of "those days" today - in the best way possible. The reality is that many of my days are like today - but sometimes I forget to take my own advice and slow down and celebrate just how wonderful it all is.
I had several incredible calls with clients and community members, including 1-1 sessions, "ask me anything" Q&As and even a card reading by one of my clients! I listened to an incredibly inspiring webinar led by a friend of mine, and got excited about the Anti-Aging Online Summit that I was invited to participate in (I'm speaking this Thursday, so tune in!) I received and read dozens of emails and incredible messages and added new members to the Facebook community support group.
The feeling of gratitude is so immense and profound that I had to share.
I am so grateful that I received a calling to do this work. (It came to me as a vision just over three years ago, while walking down the beach in front of my mom's house in Canada. I first knew I needed to write a book - I didn't realize at the time that it would turn into this incredible coaching practice and community.)
I'm so grateful that you answered this calling... because I do believe that you have if you are reading this. You are ready to challenge the status quo, go against the cultural grain, and create a new reality for yourself.
I'm so grateful to this growing community of women (and a few very special men) who are committed to clarity, to growth and expansion, to going deep even when the going gets tough (sometimes especially) and to finding those new wings with which to soar.
I'm so grateful to ALL of my clients, past and present, who have trusted me with their stories, hopes, challenges, and triumphs. It truly is an honour and a privilege to work with you.
I'm grateful you're here.
With love and solidarity and many blessing for the week ahead.